I really need to try to get better at staying on top of my blog. I promised myself that I would be really diligent with documenting my IVF experience and well I am already done with BCP, Lupron and onto Ganirelix and I realize I haven't even posted about that.
Today I had my baseline Ultrasound and bloodwork. I am so happy to say that I don't have any cysts and my bloodwork looks great and so I am to follow the calendar as it was written. Except today my calendar was tweaked a little in order to avoid the possibility of having my Egg Retrieval on Easter Sunday and risking the chance of Dr. T not being the one doing the retrieval. Now don't get me wrong, I believe that Dr. W and Dr. B are great doctors, but Dr. T is MY doctor and over the course of four years, I have become quite attached to the idea that HE would be the one who did my retrieval and transfer. He understood that without me even having to say that, when I asked if he would be there on Easter if I were to need to have my ER then. Without hesitation he changed my calendar. So I am starting stims on Saturday and not on Thursday and it completely eliminates any possibility of my retrieval not being done by him. Crisis averted!
I did not have any side effects from Lupron, except that I look pregnant and I am up about 5lbs. I also have AF so, maybe that is it, but I am not stressing this anymore.
I have had 3 sessions of acupuncture and can I say how much I love it? We did our bloodwork for the CGH testing and filled out all of our paperwork and consents. I guess all that is left now is stimming, my retrieval, test results and a transfer some time in June. I truly hope that this cycle is successful and I am trying so hard not to get upset if it doesn't.
A friend and I were emailing eachother back and forth about how wonderful Dr. T is, and I wanted to share with you all, what I wrote to her.
"Honestly ---- I am always left speechless by him. It makes me sad to know that one day I will have to say goodbye to him when this journey is over.. Be it through pregnancy or having to walk away from trying. I don't think I'm ready for either. I hope though that after pregnancy he will treat me to help me regain some sort of normalcy with my cycles. I'm going to really try to focus on getting pcos in remission after all of this. Right now I am really focused on having a baby. I realized that while yes I want a child and I could probably wait..I have a husband and a mom who are waiting long enough. My mom has had such a crappy life and I know giving her a grandchild sooner rather than later just gives her more years to enjoy. It isn't fair to my husband or to her and even to myself to keep holding off because of weight. As if there's no way to lose weight after. In fact I don't know but I feel like maybe getting pregnant may fix a lot of my issues and that weight will be easier to lose after.
I am really hoping to breast feed and that alone will keep me from eating shitty food. I will also be more active as there is no such thing as laying around for hours when you're a mom
Sometimes I'm so afraid to say that life is going to be filled with so much goodness because I'm afraid that will jinx everything. I haven't fully figured out why I believe that I can't have what everyone else has. I'm always waiting for the next shoe to drop. I guess I got so used to it raining and pouring that any glimpse of sunshine makes me feel a sun shower is imminent.
I'm a lot calmer about this IVF than I thought I'd be. Maybe something inside me knows that its gonna be OK? Or that there's nothing I can do to change any outcomes so I need to just be willing to receive my blessings or accept my defeats. Either way I am trying really hard not to take it personal as if there is any blame to place on myself if this doesn't work. I'm infertile and I don't think I did anything to cause it. But there is a certain finality in IVF that makes it the last stop in the possibilities of having a biological child. When I went into this I said I don't think I'd ever do this more than once...now I can't imagine not doing it until it works. Funny how things change. The needles arent nearly as intimidating as I thought they would be...ask me that again when it is time for PIO though. Lol.
I'm just ready for life to bring more good than bad. I'm so thankful to have C as my husband and so grateful that mom is in remission. Those alone are two things I consider that make me richer than I could have dreamed to be. I just hope that I get to see my husband's face in my child someday...and maybe the insurance forcing me to do this now is exactly what I needed to see that."
So yeah, IVF is turning out to be a lot less scary than I thought it would be. I still worry tremendously about OHSS, but I think I have comes to grips with that fear. All I can do is hope for the best in all of this. I can't wait to see how many beautiful embies I make, I am already attached to the idea of them becoming my child/dren.
I will say, it is pretty surreal that *I* am ACTUALLY doing this.
