I cannot believe it is already nearing the end of October. I feel as though each of my blog posts are going to be prefaced with an apology about not updating nearly enough. The truth is, my life has been unbelievably busy since my last post. I am not sure if I had mentioned this prior but along with navigating my way through infertility and coming up with a plan as to how and when we will become parents I am also in Grad school, finishing up my Master's degree and becoming certified to teach grades 1-6. In September I was hit with the unexpected news that I needed to pass 2 of my certification exams prior to student teaching and I had 2 weeks to take the exams as the results take 30 days to come back. Needless to say I was extremely nervous but like anything else, I seem to do my best when under pressure. One exam took 4 hours, the other was a little over 2 hours. Having friends who have taken these new exams and failed them multiple times scared me to my core. I knew that without passing these exams I could not student teach, I could not graduate next year and I would not be certified. Delaying graduation meant delaying getting a teaching position, but more importantly it meant delaying yet another cycle of IVF. Something I was NOT willing to accept. I went in and took the exams, fully expecting to fail, but I PASSED! Not one exam but BOTH!
I am also working in my school as a Graduate Assistant and doing fieldwork twice a week at a local elementary school on top of the two courses I am taking twice a week. Busy, busy, busy! But I feel good being this busy..a little overwhelmed but good.
Emotionally I believe I have healed from my recent miscarriage. A lot sooner than expected, and way faster than with our first loss. I went into IVF knowing it wasn't a guarantee, I suspected it would fail or that I would have a chemical pregnancy, but never did I ever expect to need a D&C. How can a body that has for years prevented me from becoming pregnant, a body that did not hold onto a pregnancy, suddenly without any reason just decide that although the pregnancy wasn't healthy and progressing refuse to let go? Why are my body and mind so disconnected when it comes to having a baby? I had emotionally accepted that this pregnancy wasn't going to progress but why was my body so eager to hold on? With our first loss my mind had not accepted the loss and cried so heavily and begged my body not to let go, and yet it did. These are the things I will never understand.
So why am I so okay with this loss? Why am I not devastated? I mean I went through so much more physically this time trying to get pregnant, went through so much more during my short time pregnant and went through so much in the finality of my pregnancy...and yet I am still here, still whole, and still OK. Why was this time different than the last? There can only be one explanation:
I have accepted that this is my journey.
It may seem easy to a lot of people but the truth is, infertility is HARD business. It is emotionally, physically and mentally taxing, but it is survivable, and it is far from the worst thing that could happen to someone. Knowing that is what keeps me grounded, keeps me from feeling sorry for myself, keeps me from wallowing and becoming desolate in my emotions.
Acceptance is not easy. Not nearly as easy as people may think it is. It took me a good solid 5 years to build strength from infertility, to accept that THIS was the hand dealt to my husband and I. Anger, sadness, and a brief period of bitterness swept over me, over us, for a while things were NOT good...good in my marriage yes, but we had some rocky points, I blame myself for those moments...because I was in such a deep and dark place of despair. My husband loved me through all of that and he loves me still, despite my flaws, despite our inability to produce children naturally, he sees me as whole, where at times I feel broken. It is good to be loved that way. So good.
I also love that my husband and I are both on the same page when it comes to family building. Financially our IVF cycles will be covered by his employer. We were granted 3 cycles, of which I am eternally grateful. Had we not had this coverage we would not have done IVF. We would have most certainly moved onto Adoption. In our eyes, there is no difference between biological and adopted children. They are ALL your "own" children and a blessing given to us from God. A miracle in every sense of the word. I believe this also keeps us hopeful and full of certainty that Parenthood is obtainable for us..that somehow we WILL be parents someday. Sooner than later we hope.
In the last 2 months I have managed to lose about 23lbs, which is good considering I had gained 33lbs since last December with all the IVF medications and the Prednisone that I was on. Hopefully by the end of November I will have knocked off that last 10lbs that I gained, and by the end of December be 10lbs less than that, putting me at over 50lbs lost from my heaviest. I have been working hard on losing weight, I have begun a low carb, low fat diet, I need to work on the low fat part because I am not supposed to be eating Dairy yet I keep snacking on cheese and it is definitely NOT a part of my diet protocol. It won't knock me out of ketosis but I am not getting the full benefit of my diet by consuming it so after this weekend trip away where I actually will eat carbs for the first time since August, I will be back into the swing of things much more seriously. I have allotted specific dates in which I will eat without thinking negatively about the effets, and go right back to eating right the following day. I have given myself permission to eat freely on Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve and Christmas. Those are the only 3 days after this trip that I will eat freely before our next IVF. I won't reveal when that will be because it is something I plan on talking about when the time comes and only with a select few people. I need to privatize my life again. The world doesn't need to know when and what I am going through, until I feel ready to disclose that information.
Just know that at this very moment in time, I am doing well and I hope that continues.
Lots of Peace & Love
