My Dearest C,
I decided to write this letter to you because I need you to know a few things. Things that I already tell you, but maybe not nearly enough. Things that I mean with every ounce of my being but still feels not quite enough.
I have never really been talented at much, in fact I find myself to be quite average in terms of what I can and cannot do. I can't play an instrument, even though I played guitar as a child. I cannot sing nor dance nor am I remotely athletic. I don't knit or crochet, I can't sew or make cute crafts... There is one thing I am good at. Loving you.
I truly believe that I have mastered the art of love. I love you in ways that most people could never comprehend. I never imagined that I could love someone so deeply that my heart would simply ache at the thought of being without them. Sure I have had relationships before you, and at times I even believed that I was in love, but you, my beautiful you, have taught me what love truly is.
With you I feel beautiful, and that is something I never felt before. I struggle with this, and you know that and you try so very hard to get me to see myself the way that you do. I feel safe enough to allow myself to be vulnerable with you and in some strange way, I love feeling that delicate. You've turned me into someone I only hoped I would be. I finally understand what it means when people say you should find someone who makes you better. You make me better.
You love me with a gentle voice and a touch that is insanely unique. I tremble in your arms and you still have the ability to make me feel like a school girl with a crush. I am playful and joyful and young when I am with you. You are the fodder for the fire that burns deep within heart - I know with you, I will never grow dull. You illuminate my spirit and push me when I am feeling like I cannot possibly go on. How do you do these things to me?
There are times when I look at you and I feel guilt. Guilt that I could not hold onto the lives of our babies, even knowing that this wretched disease of infertility has struck us both unknowingly, I still hold onto that guilt. I've found myself at times, staring at you from a distance and wondering if maybe you deserved more than me, someone thinner, taller, prettier, someone who could bring to fruition your deepest desire but then you look at me and tell me I am the only one you've ever wanted, needed and I will always be that. You reassure me time and time again that given the choice, you'd still choose me. All of me, every single flaw. How do you see past my ugly parts? My broken parts? My not so forgiving parts? My barren parts? You tell me that I have given you more in our time together than you could imagine having been given by someone else, and yet it always feels like I have not nor could I ever give enough to you.
When people tell me that I could be happy with "just" you, I agree but you are not just a "just". I am without a doubt happy with "just" us but I think our love is so beautiful and awe inspiring that the world needs more than "just" us. They deserve more than "just" us. This world needs boys raised by a man like you, one who teaches them how to treat and love a woman. The world needs more girls raised by a man like you, one who teaches them how to be treated and loved by a man. I am not sure how the road to parenthood plays out for us, and I won't deny that I long to see a child created from both of us, but I know that parenthood is so much more than shared features and bloodlines. I know that any child we are blessed with will be a gift, a miracle and a true reflection of our love. DNA is not needed for that. Our son would still make the same faces his dad makes, he'd still look up to you, mimic your awful singing and try to beat your ass at Call of Duty....by that time I suspect your W.O.W character would be like level 1500, and our son would stay up all night trying to make it to level 1501 so that he beat his awesome Dad. Our daughter would still want to give you butterfly and eskimo kisses and she'd serve you first at her tea parties. She would still want to paint your nails and braid your hair and make faces at the mess that you'd make while trying to do her hair. I know she'd laugh at your jokes, run from your farts and find comfort in your arms like her mother does, when she has her first heartbreak. I know none of these require biological ties and I guess that is why I feel so certain that we will be a complete and fulfilled family, no matter how our babies get to us.
I want you to know, that I only ever wanted to be a wife when I became YOUR wife and I only ever want to be a mother when I become a mother to OUR child. I love you my darling, and I long for the days that a tiny little being gets to experience all of this love too.
Forever yours,
K
