My Dearest C,
I decided to write this letter to you because I need you to know a few things. Things that I already tell you, but maybe not nearly enough. Things that I mean with every ounce of my being but still feels not quite enough.
I have never really been talented at much, in fact I find myself to be quite average in terms of what I can and cannot do. I can't play an instrument, even though I played guitar as a child. I cannot sing nor dance nor am I remotely athletic. I don't knit or crochet, I can't sew or make cute crafts... There is one thing I am good at. Loving you.
I truly believe that I have mastered the art of love. I love you in ways that most people could never comprehend. I never imagined that I could love someone so deeply that my heart would simply ache at the thought of being without them. Sure I have had relationships before you, and at times I even believed that I was in love, but you, my beautiful you, have taught me what love truly is.
With you I feel beautiful, and that is something I never felt before. I struggle with this, and you know that and you try so very hard to get me to see myself the way that you do. I feel safe enough to allow myself to be vulnerable with you and in some strange way, I love feeling that delicate. You've turned me into someone I only hoped I would be. I finally understand what it means when people say you should find someone who makes you better. You make me better.
You love me with a gentle voice and a touch that is insanely unique. I tremble in your arms and you still have the ability to make me feel like a school girl with a crush. I am playful and joyful and young when I am with you. You are the fodder for the fire that burns deep within heart - I know with you, I will never grow dull. You illuminate my spirit and push me when I am feeling like I cannot possibly go on. How do you do these things to me?
There are times when I look at you and I feel guilt. Guilt that I could not hold onto the lives of our babies, even knowing that this wretched disease of infertility has struck us both unknowingly, I still hold onto that guilt. I've found myself at times, staring at you from a distance and wondering if maybe you deserved more than me, someone thinner, taller, prettier, someone who could bring to fruition your deepest desire but then you look at me and tell me I am the only one you've ever wanted, needed and I will always be that. You reassure me time and time again that given the choice, you'd still choose me. All of me, every single flaw. How do you see past my ugly parts? My broken parts? My not so forgiving parts? My barren parts? You tell me that I have given you more in our time together than you could imagine having been given by someone else, and yet it always feels like I have not nor could I ever give enough to you.
When people tell me that I could be happy with "just" you, I agree but you are not just a "just". I am without a doubt happy with "just" us but I think our love is so beautiful and awe inspiring that the world needs more than "just" us. They deserve more than "just" us. This world needs boys raised by a man like you, one who teaches them how to treat and love a woman. The world needs more girls raised by a man like you, one who teaches them how to be treated and loved by a man. I am not sure how the road to parenthood plays out for us, and I won't deny that I long to see a child created from both of us, but I know that parenthood is so much more than shared features and bloodlines. I know that any child we are blessed with will be a gift, a miracle and a true reflection of our love. DNA is not needed for that. Our son would still make the same faces his dad makes, he'd still look up to you, mimic your awful singing and try to beat your ass at Call of Duty....by that time I suspect your W.O.W character would be like level 1500, and our son would stay up all night trying to make it to level 1501 so that he beat his awesome Dad. Our daughter would still want to give you butterfly and eskimo kisses and she'd serve you first at her tea parties. She would still want to paint your nails and braid your hair and make faces at the mess that you'd make while trying to do her hair. I know she'd laugh at your jokes, run from your farts and find comfort in your arms like her mother does, when she has her first heartbreak. I know none of these require biological ties and I guess that is why I feel so certain that we will be a complete and fulfilled family, no matter how our babies get to us.
I want you to know, that I only ever wanted to be a wife when I became YOUR wife and I only ever want to be a mother when I become a mother to OUR child. I love you my darling, and I long for the days that a tiny little being gets to experience all of this love too.
Forever yours,
K
Friday, June 26, 2015
Monday, December 22, 2014
Saturday, November 22, 2014
When Infertility Happens to Someone You Know.....and What it Reveals About Yourself.
Last night a friend confided in me that she was diagnosed with PCOS this week. She, like me, is 33 years old. She like me, has been seeing an OBGYN since she was 18, she like me spent years without the diagnosis of PCOS, until she began trying for a baby.
Why is PCOS often ignored or not diagnosed at all until you are trying to conceive? It has to be one of the most undertreated conditions within the world of women's healthcare. PCOS is not hard to diagnose. So why the lack of diagnosis? I can only imagine that while OBGYNs are taught about PCOS in medical school, they don't encounter it nearly enough to take an interest in it, to understand it and effectively treat it. Although I suspect that with the rising rates of infertility, that more and more OBGYNs are becoming more familiar with it. There are so many different parts of PCOS that warrant treatment that is not linked to wanting to become pregnant. It is an endocrine disorder that wreaks havoc on a woman's hormones, causing a whole host of symptoms such as acne, hirsutism, irregular menstrual cycles which often leads to high estrogen levels, high testosterone levels and low progesterone. This imbalance does not make for feeling well. At least not for me! Water retention, depression, anxiety, mood swings, these are all linked to hormonal imbalances. And let's not forget that contined high levels of estrogen put us at a greater risk for hormone related cancers. In a nutshell PCOS is a horrible disorder.
I was reading my messages from my friend, about her fears, her concerns, her doubts and then she got to self-blame. I stopped her right there. I hope that she believed me when I told her that none of this is her fault. NONE OF IT. I couldn't understand why she was blaming herself. Honestly, in all my years struggling with infertility, I never once blamed myself for having PCOS, Hashimotos or Endometriosis. I did nothing to have these diseases, and neither did she. She is angry that she didn't go to the doctor sooner, but what would sooner have done? Sooner would have made no difference in her treatment, sooner wouldn't change the outcome...there is no difference between 30 and 33 in the world of reproductive endocrinology....she is not to blame. Let us not forget that she was seeing her OBGYN regularly, and she failed to diagnose her. How could she self-diagnose? It is not her fault.
I felt my heart break for her as she spoke of her Faith, which is still strong right now, hopefully she is not one who wavers in her Faith from this, although, I can guarantee that at some point she will be angry with God if her journey is a long one..I reminded her that it was ok to be angry. It took me back to a place I was just a few short years ago, when I began this journey toward becoming a mother. I remember how ridiculously scared I was. The insecurities I felt and at times I still feel them. My body failed to do the most basic of functions...to reproduce. It didn't matter that I did not drink, smoke or do drugs. It didn't matter that I changed eating habits, charted my temperature, checked my cervical mucus daily, peed on a thousand OPK sticks, took supplements, and put my body through enormous stress with hormones. It didn't matter, none of what I tried yielded me a child. So do I blame myself? No! Am I angry with God? Not anymore. Do I have Faith? I definitely do! Do I have hope? More than ever. But I know that it took me a VERY long time to arrive at the destination of acceptance. A LONG time, lots of medication, therapy and serious soul searching. Time has passed, medications are a thing of the past and therapy has ended(although I kinda believe I need to go back to therapy), soul searching is a continuous process that I take part in daily.
In speaking with my friend, I reminded her of the things she told me. To have Faith and believe that it will happen. She now understands that saying that offers little to no help at all, but I still told her those words. As much as I hated when it was told to me, the truth is, you have to encourage people when they are facing something as painful as infertility but I also told her it was ok to feel the not so great things. That it was more than ok to be angry, bitter, shocked, to make deals with God, to bargain for a baby with Him, to plead, to be jealous and envy women with whom motherhood comes easy and to be sad, oh God, sadness, it is a HUGE component of infertility...these emotions are all normal, they are more than normal, they are OKAY to feel...acknowledge those feelings, feel them for however long you need, as long as you don't stay stuck in them forever.
Talking with her made me realize that I have come so far in all of this. I have this deep understanding of how life doesn't always pan out how you planned, but that you can be happy with a different life, you just make a new plan...sometimes it is a better plan. I have grown tremendously both emotionally and spiritually throughout all of this. I find the silver linings, I look for the good, I try to find the reasons. Sometimes I am successful, other times I am not and you know what? That's okay too.
I like myself as a person today more than I ever liked myself. I have been struggling for what seems like forever with my inability to be happy with who I am physically, and there was a period of time that I did not like who I was as a person either. That person I was while deep in the trenches of depression and anxiety. I was moody, antsy, withdrawn, high strung, too sensitive, defensive, bitter, angry, jealous...and I was gaining weight at rapid speed. I was really fucked up if I may be frank. Now, 5 years later, after the clouds have lifted, after I fought my way back from the depths of the darkness of depression and severe panic, I kind of really love the person I am. I enjoy being happy. I am allowing myself to be happy, and that feels good. I may never like what I look like, I may never be a size 5 again, but I have decided that regardless of all of that, I will love myself, at every size, at every age and in every stage of my life. I can try to fix the things I don't like and accept the things I cannot change. Infertility did this to me.
Say what? How can a disease that has brought me so much pain and sadness, that left me depressed, anxious and fat, also be the disease that left me with gratitude, truth and self acceptance? I can't answer that honestly...I can only say that it forced me to dig deep within myself, to learn who I really am, to not focus on what's broken, but rather to find the good in me, to find what makes me smile, what makes me laugh...to love every moment of my life. Even the shitty days when it seems like the universe is against me.
Infertility is a battle, and you don't only win once you have a baby, you can win long before that..if you let yourself. I won't pretend that any of this is easy, because none of it is, but it also isn't the worst thing in the world. I can promise you that. It surely isn't the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I don't want people to feel bad for us, to feel sorry for us. They shouldn't. We are REALLY happily married, completely fulfilled in our marriage..we are enough for one another, we don't NEED a child, we WANT one..there is a big difference. I wish people would understand that when I share things with them via social media, that I am not looking for pity, sympathy or anything of the sort..I am actually doing it to raise awareness, to stop the silent talks, to be the person who opens up the possibility of dialogue when they find out they are dealing with infertility. They can still be private and gain support from me. That is why I am so vocal about this all. It is also a great way to stop people from asking when you are having kids, although at this point it kind of feels worse that people stopped asking us...did they give up on us? That's ok if they did, as long as we haven't given up on us. :)
At the end of my conversation, I told my friend to not waste time with an OBGYN and move right along to an RE...and of course I totally plugged my RE, because he is quite fantastic and so are his colleagues, and I have 100% belief that they will get her pregnant. I often advocate for anyone I know to use my doctor. Sometimes I wonder if they think to themselves then why am I not pregnant? I do tell them that I have been on a break for a very long time, not actively trying, I was actively preventing while on meds for 3 years and well even though I miscarried, I did get pregnant on the 3rd IUI and the 1st IVF...those are pretty good stats for someone with a myriad of conditions. Right now is the only time that we have not prevented, because right now is the only time I have been completely off medications, and although I know that the probability of a pregnancy on our own is next to nil, I still remain hopeful that it could be a possibility....that is, if C still has some sperm...I am sure that will disappear as time goes on with him having been back on testosterone. I will try IVF again, and again if need be. We will get this right eventually, and if we don't, well then there are other avenues to explore.
Tonight my mother told me I have really changed...and she meant it as a compliment. I am glad that people are finally seeing this, which means I am projecting it, which means I am really feeling it...I could never fake my feelings, I wear my heart on my sleeve, my face is perpetually in a state of expecting the worst, except lately....I have been smiling and laughing a lot more. It's good to be happy. So good.
Why is PCOS often ignored or not diagnosed at all until you are trying to conceive? It has to be one of the most undertreated conditions within the world of women's healthcare. PCOS is not hard to diagnose. So why the lack of diagnosis? I can only imagine that while OBGYNs are taught about PCOS in medical school, they don't encounter it nearly enough to take an interest in it, to understand it and effectively treat it. Although I suspect that with the rising rates of infertility, that more and more OBGYNs are becoming more familiar with it. There are so many different parts of PCOS that warrant treatment that is not linked to wanting to become pregnant. It is an endocrine disorder that wreaks havoc on a woman's hormones, causing a whole host of symptoms such as acne, hirsutism, irregular menstrual cycles which often leads to high estrogen levels, high testosterone levels and low progesterone. This imbalance does not make for feeling well. At least not for me! Water retention, depression, anxiety, mood swings, these are all linked to hormonal imbalances. And let's not forget that contined high levels of estrogen put us at a greater risk for hormone related cancers. In a nutshell PCOS is a horrible disorder.
I was reading my messages from my friend, about her fears, her concerns, her doubts and then she got to self-blame. I stopped her right there. I hope that she believed me when I told her that none of this is her fault. NONE OF IT. I couldn't understand why she was blaming herself. Honestly, in all my years struggling with infertility, I never once blamed myself for having PCOS, Hashimotos or Endometriosis. I did nothing to have these diseases, and neither did she. She is angry that she didn't go to the doctor sooner, but what would sooner have done? Sooner would have made no difference in her treatment, sooner wouldn't change the outcome...there is no difference between 30 and 33 in the world of reproductive endocrinology....she is not to blame. Let us not forget that she was seeing her OBGYN regularly, and she failed to diagnose her. How could she self-diagnose? It is not her fault.
I felt my heart break for her as she spoke of her Faith, which is still strong right now, hopefully she is not one who wavers in her Faith from this, although, I can guarantee that at some point she will be angry with God if her journey is a long one..I reminded her that it was ok to be angry. It took me back to a place I was just a few short years ago, when I began this journey toward becoming a mother. I remember how ridiculously scared I was. The insecurities I felt and at times I still feel them. My body failed to do the most basic of functions...to reproduce. It didn't matter that I did not drink, smoke or do drugs. It didn't matter that I changed eating habits, charted my temperature, checked my cervical mucus daily, peed on a thousand OPK sticks, took supplements, and put my body through enormous stress with hormones. It didn't matter, none of what I tried yielded me a child. So do I blame myself? No! Am I angry with God? Not anymore. Do I have Faith? I definitely do! Do I have hope? More than ever. But I know that it took me a VERY long time to arrive at the destination of acceptance. A LONG time, lots of medication, therapy and serious soul searching. Time has passed, medications are a thing of the past and therapy has ended(although I kinda believe I need to go back to therapy), soul searching is a continuous process that I take part in daily.
In speaking with my friend, I reminded her of the things she told me. To have Faith and believe that it will happen. She now understands that saying that offers little to no help at all, but I still told her those words. As much as I hated when it was told to me, the truth is, you have to encourage people when they are facing something as painful as infertility but I also told her it was ok to feel the not so great things. That it was more than ok to be angry, bitter, shocked, to make deals with God, to bargain for a baby with Him, to plead, to be jealous and envy women with whom motherhood comes easy and to be sad, oh God, sadness, it is a HUGE component of infertility...these emotions are all normal, they are more than normal, they are OKAY to feel...acknowledge those feelings, feel them for however long you need, as long as you don't stay stuck in them forever.
Talking with her made me realize that I have come so far in all of this. I have this deep understanding of how life doesn't always pan out how you planned, but that you can be happy with a different life, you just make a new plan...sometimes it is a better plan. I have grown tremendously both emotionally and spiritually throughout all of this. I find the silver linings, I look for the good, I try to find the reasons. Sometimes I am successful, other times I am not and you know what? That's okay too.
I like myself as a person today more than I ever liked myself. I have been struggling for what seems like forever with my inability to be happy with who I am physically, and there was a period of time that I did not like who I was as a person either. That person I was while deep in the trenches of depression and anxiety. I was moody, antsy, withdrawn, high strung, too sensitive, defensive, bitter, angry, jealous...and I was gaining weight at rapid speed. I was really fucked up if I may be frank. Now, 5 years later, after the clouds have lifted, after I fought my way back from the depths of the darkness of depression and severe panic, I kind of really love the person I am. I enjoy being happy. I am allowing myself to be happy, and that feels good. I may never like what I look like, I may never be a size 5 again, but I have decided that regardless of all of that, I will love myself, at every size, at every age and in every stage of my life. I can try to fix the things I don't like and accept the things I cannot change. Infertility did this to me.
Say what? How can a disease that has brought me so much pain and sadness, that left me depressed, anxious and fat, also be the disease that left me with gratitude, truth and self acceptance? I can't answer that honestly...I can only say that it forced me to dig deep within myself, to learn who I really am, to not focus on what's broken, but rather to find the good in me, to find what makes me smile, what makes me laugh...to love every moment of my life. Even the shitty days when it seems like the universe is against me.
Infertility is a battle, and you don't only win once you have a baby, you can win long before that..if you let yourself. I won't pretend that any of this is easy, because none of it is, but it also isn't the worst thing in the world. I can promise you that. It surely isn't the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I don't want people to feel bad for us, to feel sorry for us. They shouldn't. We are REALLY happily married, completely fulfilled in our marriage..we are enough for one another, we don't NEED a child, we WANT one..there is a big difference. I wish people would understand that when I share things with them via social media, that I am not looking for pity, sympathy or anything of the sort..I am actually doing it to raise awareness, to stop the silent talks, to be the person who opens up the possibility of dialogue when they find out they are dealing with infertility. They can still be private and gain support from me. That is why I am so vocal about this all. It is also a great way to stop people from asking when you are having kids, although at this point it kind of feels worse that people stopped asking us...did they give up on us? That's ok if they did, as long as we haven't given up on us. :)
At the end of my conversation, I told my friend to not waste time with an OBGYN and move right along to an RE...and of course I totally plugged my RE, because he is quite fantastic and so are his colleagues, and I have 100% belief that they will get her pregnant. I often advocate for anyone I know to use my doctor. Sometimes I wonder if they think to themselves then why am I not pregnant? I do tell them that I have been on a break for a very long time, not actively trying, I was actively preventing while on meds for 3 years and well even though I miscarried, I did get pregnant on the 3rd IUI and the 1st IVF...those are pretty good stats for someone with a myriad of conditions. Right now is the only time that we have not prevented, because right now is the only time I have been completely off medications, and although I know that the probability of a pregnancy on our own is next to nil, I still remain hopeful that it could be a possibility....that is, if C still has some sperm...I am sure that will disappear as time goes on with him having been back on testosterone. I will try IVF again, and again if need be. We will get this right eventually, and if we don't, well then there are other avenues to explore.
Tonight my mother told me I have really changed...and she meant it as a compliment. I am glad that people are finally seeing this, which means I am projecting it, which means I am really feeling it...I could never fake my feelings, I wear my heart on my sleeve, my face is perpetually in a state of expecting the worst, except lately....I have been smiling and laughing a lot more. It's good to be happy. So good.
Thursday, October 30, 2014
Feeling Good
I cannot believe it is already nearing the end of October. I feel as though each of my blog posts are going to be prefaced with an apology about not updating nearly enough. The truth is, my life has been unbelievably busy since my last post. I am not sure if I had mentioned this prior but along with navigating my way through infertility and coming up with a plan as to how and when we will become parents I am also in Grad school, finishing up my Master's degree and becoming certified to teach grades 1-6. In September I was hit with the unexpected news that I needed to pass 2 of my certification exams prior to student teaching and I had 2 weeks to take the exams as the results take 30 days to come back. Needless to say I was extremely nervous but like anything else, I seem to do my best when under pressure. One exam took 4 hours, the other was a little over 2 hours. Having friends who have taken these new exams and failed them multiple times scared me to my core. I knew that without passing these exams I could not student teach, I could not graduate next year and I would not be certified. Delaying graduation meant delaying getting a teaching position, but more importantly it meant delaying yet another cycle of IVF. Something I was NOT willing to accept. I went in and took the exams, fully expecting to fail, but I PASSED! Not one exam but BOTH!
I am also working in my school as a Graduate Assistant and doing fieldwork twice a week at a local elementary school on top of the two courses I am taking twice a week. Busy, busy, busy! But I feel good being this busy..a little overwhelmed but good.
Emotionally I believe I have healed from my recent miscarriage. A lot sooner than expected, and way faster than with our first loss. I went into IVF knowing it wasn't a guarantee, I suspected it would fail or that I would have a chemical pregnancy, but never did I ever expect to need a D&C. How can a body that has for years prevented me from becoming pregnant, a body that did not hold onto a pregnancy, suddenly without any reason just decide that although the pregnancy wasn't healthy and progressing refuse to let go? Why are my body and mind so disconnected when it comes to having a baby? I had emotionally accepted that this pregnancy wasn't going to progress but why was my body so eager to hold on? With our first loss my mind had not accepted the loss and cried so heavily and begged my body not to let go, and yet it did. These are the things I will never understand.
So why am I so okay with this loss? Why am I not devastated? I mean I went through so much more physically this time trying to get pregnant, went through so much more during my short time pregnant and went through so much in the finality of my pregnancy...and yet I am still here, still whole, and still OK. Why was this time different than the last? There can only be one explanation:
I have accepted that this is my journey.
It may seem easy to a lot of people but the truth is, infertility is HARD business. It is emotionally, physically and mentally taxing, but it is survivable, and it is far from the worst thing that could happen to someone. Knowing that is what keeps me grounded, keeps me from feeling sorry for myself, keeps me from wallowing and becoming desolate in my emotions.
Acceptance is not easy. Not nearly as easy as people may think it is. It took me a good solid 5 years to build strength from infertility, to accept that THIS was the hand dealt to my husband and I. Anger, sadness, and a brief period of bitterness swept over me, over us, for a while things were NOT good...good in my marriage yes, but we had some rocky points, I blame myself for those moments...because I was in such a deep and dark place of despair. My husband loved me through all of that and he loves me still, despite my flaws, despite our inability to produce children naturally, he sees me as whole, where at times I feel broken. It is good to be loved that way. So good.
I also love that my husband and I are both on the same page when it comes to family building. Financially our IVF cycles will be covered by his employer. We were granted 3 cycles, of which I am eternally grateful. Had we not had this coverage we would not have done IVF. We would have most certainly moved onto Adoption. In our eyes, there is no difference between biological and adopted children. They are ALL your "own" children and a blessing given to us from God. A miracle in every sense of the word. I believe this also keeps us hopeful and full of certainty that Parenthood is obtainable for us..that somehow we WILL be parents someday. Sooner than later we hope.
In the last 2 months I have managed to lose about 23lbs, which is good considering I had gained 33lbs since last December with all the IVF medications and the Prednisone that I was on. Hopefully by the end of November I will have knocked off that last 10lbs that I gained, and by the end of December be 10lbs less than that, putting me at over 50lbs lost from my heaviest. I have been working hard on losing weight, I have begun a low carb, low fat diet, I need to work on the low fat part because I am not supposed to be eating Dairy yet I keep snacking on cheese and it is definitely NOT a part of my diet protocol. It won't knock me out of ketosis but I am not getting the full benefit of my diet by consuming it so after this weekend trip away where I actually will eat carbs for the first time since August, I will be back into the swing of things much more seriously. I have allotted specific dates in which I will eat without thinking negatively about the effets, and go right back to eating right the following day. I have given myself permission to eat freely on Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve and Christmas. Those are the only 3 days after this trip that I will eat freely before our next IVF. I won't reveal when that will be because it is something I plan on talking about when the time comes and only with a select few people. I need to privatize my life again. The world doesn't need to know when and what I am going through, until I feel ready to disclose that information.
Just know that at this very moment in time, I am doing well and I hope that continues.
Lots of Peace & Love
I am also working in my school as a Graduate Assistant and doing fieldwork twice a week at a local elementary school on top of the two courses I am taking twice a week. Busy, busy, busy! But I feel good being this busy..a little overwhelmed but good.
Emotionally I believe I have healed from my recent miscarriage. A lot sooner than expected, and way faster than with our first loss. I went into IVF knowing it wasn't a guarantee, I suspected it would fail or that I would have a chemical pregnancy, but never did I ever expect to need a D&C. How can a body that has for years prevented me from becoming pregnant, a body that did not hold onto a pregnancy, suddenly without any reason just decide that although the pregnancy wasn't healthy and progressing refuse to let go? Why are my body and mind so disconnected when it comes to having a baby? I had emotionally accepted that this pregnancy wasn't going to progress but why was my body so eager to hold on? With our first loss my mind had not accepted the loss and cried so heavily and begged my body not to let go, and yet it did. These are the things I will never understand.
So why am I so okay with this loss? Why am I not devastated? I mean I went through so much more physically this time trying to get pregnant, went through so much more during my short time pregnant and went through so much in the finality of my pregnancy...and yet I am still here, still whole, and still OK. Why was this time different than the last? There can only be one explanation:
I have accepted that this is my journey.
It may seem easy to a lot of people but the truth is, infertility is HARD business. It is emotionally, physically and mentally taxing, but it is survivable, and it is far from the worst thing that could happen to someone. Knowing that is what keeps me grounded, keeps me from feeling sorry for myself, keeps me from wallowing and becoming desolate in my emotions.
Acceptance is not easy. Not nearly as easy as people may think it is. It took me a good solid 5 years to build strength from infertility, to accept that THIS was the hand dealt to my husband and I. Anger, sadness, and a brief period of bitterness swept over me, over us, for a while things were NOT good...good in my marriage yes, but we had some rocky points, I blame myself for those moments...because I was in such a deep and dark place of despair. My husband loved me through all of that and he loves me still, despite my flaws, despite our inability to produce children naturally, he sees me as whole, where at times I feel broken. It is good to be loved that way. So good.
I also love that my husband and I are both on the same page when it comes to family building. Financially our IVF cycles will be covered by his employer. We were granted 3 cycles, of which I am eternally grateful. Had we not had this coverage we would not have done IVF. We would have most certainly moved onto Adoption. In our eyes, there is no difference between biological and adopted children. They are ALL your "own" children and a blessing given to us from God. A miracle in every sense of the word. I believe this also keeps us hopeful and full of certainty that Parenthood is obtainable for us..that somehow we WILL be parents someday. Sooner than later we hope.
In the last 2 months I have managed to lose about 23lbs, which is good considering I had gained 33lbs since last December with all the IVF medications and the Prednisone that I was on. Hopefully by the end of November I will have knocked off that last 10lbs that I gained, and by the end of December be 10lbs less than that, putting me at over 50lbs lost from my heaviest. I have been working hard on losing weight, I have begun a low carb, low fat diet, I need to work on the low fat part because I am not supposed to be eating Dairy yet I keep snacking on cheese and it is definitely NOT a part of my diet protocol. It won't knock me out of ketosis but I am not getting the full benefit of my diet by consuming it so after this weekend trip away where I actually will eat carbs for the first time since August, I will be back into the swing of things much more seriously. I have allotted specific dates in which I will eat without thinking negatively about the effets, and go right back to eating right the following day. I have given myself permission to eat freely on Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve and Christmas. Those are the only 3 days after this trip that I will eat freely before our next IVF. I won't reveal when that will be because it is something I plan on talking about when the time comes and only with a select few people. I need to privatize my life again. The world doesn't need to know when and what I am going through, until I feel ready to disclose that information.
Just know that at this very moment in time, I am doing well and I hope that continues.
Lots of Peace & Love
Saturday, September 13, 2014
This Week Makes 10 weeks Pregnant...Except I am No Longer Pregnant.
I haven't updated this blog in over a month because so much has happened since the last time I blogged. After my last beta which was 418 I began feeling optimistic. I started believing that I could ACTUALLY be blessed in 9 months with a baby or two and that all of this was worth the shots, the time, the blood draws, the pain, all of it. All 7 years of battling infertility and the last 3 years fighting and winning my battle with depression and anxiety...that all of that was worth it, my blessing was coming and I would be rewarded for my strength and perserverence.
I had cramping since the day before transfer. Over time it got progressively worse. Then all of a sudden I began have INTENSE cramping in my lower abdomen, it was central so the doctors weren't too concerned. Then the pain got even worse. I started being woken up around 5am with cramping. I would make my way to the bathroom and while sitting there I would get the most horrific pains. I began turning white, sweat pouring from my head, mouth dry and I could not feel my legs. They were shaking from the pain. Then suddenly one day I woke up and didn't feel pregnant anymore. My breast tenderness lessened, one day of light spotting, I didn't feel that fullness in my uterus and the cramping during the day stopped, but the ones in the morning were still intense and starting to last longer and longer. They started at 2-5 minutes and then began lasting 10-20 mins. WORST PAIN OF MY LIFE. I hate admitting this but when I was feeling those pains, I wanted more than anything to go back in time and NOT have done IVF. I am still very traumatized by those pains.
The day of the sonogram came and Dr.T was on vacation still and I had an appointment with Dr.D , the one who did my retrieval when Dr.T was on vacation in April. Funny isn't it that Dr.T and my schedule seems to coincide, I based my IVF cycles on my school schedule..Dr.T must be basing his around the same thing! Anyway, she came in and we discussed that I was 6w1d pregnant and that she wants to see a sac with a fetal pole, yolk and if we are lucky we could see the heartbeat but probably wouldn't hear it. I explained to her about my cramping and the spotting and how I just stopped "feeling pregnant". She assured me all of those things are normal. Even the intense cramping, as long as it wasn't on one side and could be from my endometriosis. Most women have relief during pregnancy with their Endo, a select few have very painful pregnancies. I guess I am in that damn small percentage again!
She inserts the transvaginal ultrasound wand (because I am too early to use a standard belly sonogram) and I see her eyes squint, I see she is looking everywhere, I see her move closer to the screen. I hear her say, "hmm" and she continues looking around, moving the wand, deeper, to the side and then removes it and tells me they are going to bring me to another room for a better ultrasound machine. I got dressed, knowing this was NOT good, there was nothing on that screen. Not even a gestational sac. I become worried, possible ectopic pregnancy. My worst fears are coming true. I went to the room where they do the egg retrievals, it has a better machine, much more defines...I lay back down and we begin. Still no sign of a gestational sac. She says she sees something white that seems like it indicated a sac may have been in that area. She sees a tiny little black circle and says that may be the sac and maybe my levels are too low to see. Too low? I was 418 8 days ago, by now my HCG should be over 3200 if it were doubling properly. She took blood and I waited for my beta. It came back at 1413. She said it was too low to show anything on the ultrasound and had me come in the following day for more blood work and ultrasound. Still no sign of anything, but she did think she saw something that may be a collapsed sac. No sign of ectopic, HCG level was 1600 at that point. I had to come in the following Monday again for more bloodwork and optional ultrasound. I chose for the ultrasound because I was starting to get those severe cramps more than once a day. Ultrasound revealed no evidence of either uterine or ectopic. I was diagnosed with Pregnancy in unknown location. HCG was 1815. My levels at this point should have been over 10,000. We scheduled a D&C for the following day to either confirm or rule out a uterine pregnancy. The plan was if there was no pregnancy tissue confirmed with D&C then I would need to take a Methotrexate shot and ectopic would be confirmed although origin unknown.
I arrived the next morning at the office. I sat in the waiting room with my mom and C and just felt so lost. I was emotionally prepared for this, but I hate being put under anesthesia. I was called in and changed into my gown. The anesthesiologist came in and gave me a shot of something to relax me. He said it was similar to xanax, whatever it was, it made me giggle and feel loopy and I very much enjoyed it! He asked me if I have any new medical conditions since last time he saw me. I said, "Yes, I am pregnant, but I won't be after this procedure." He told me he was sorry. He then assured me everything would be fine. He left and I was sitting in the little area alone. Thinking to myself how absurd it is that I am back at my Reproductive Endocrinologist's office, the place I just came to GET pregnant, and here I am, sitting and waiting for a procedure that will make me Unpregnant. I thought about unfair all of this really is. I asked myself, "how could this be MY life?" I have never used drugs, I don't smoke, I don't drink alcohol...I just have all these medical issues and I am fat because of them, and because of them I am sitting in a chair, contemplating all of these things, because of them I feel less like a woman than other women, I feel like I have let down my husband, my mom, myself...and I decided then, right before going in, that my life would be DIFFERENT after this, that I was going to change.
I was escorted to the room where my baby/ies or whatever they were at this point, would be taken from my womb, sent out to a lab to be analyzed and then like that, nothing of them would be remembered by anyone, except me and C. I drifted off to sleep, and then woke up and moved to recovery. I felt no rush to wake up. After my egg retrieval I wanted so bad to be up and head home to relax...not this day. I laid there, I needed the sleep. 30 minutes felt like an eternity. I felt different already. Empty. I've never told anyone that. I have kept a lot of these emotions to myself this time. I don't outwardly mourn these babies. I cry a lot when I am alone. I cry myself to sleep. I apologize to my husband randomly. His heart was broken through all of this. He has assured me that he does not blame me, that none of this is anyone's fault..that it will all be ok and that I am all he will ever need in this life. And that is the very reason I want more than anything to give him something that no one else can. Our baby. THAT is why I did IVF.
My mom cried in the car on the way home which made me feel even worse. I apologized to her for letting her down and that I just don't understand why my body doesn't work right. She told me she was crying FOR me, and how unfair this all was. I nodded. Things could have been much worse, they always can and so I told her that it is ok and there will come a day when all of this will work out. Just right now it wasn't the right time.
The day before my D&C I posted on Facebook thanking my friends who knew for their unwavering support during such a difficult time, I did not specify what happened until many people started asking. I commented "pregnancy loss" and the comments started flying in. People saying they had no idea I was pregnant, that they were sorry, that they could not understand, that their hearts broke for us, that it was unfair, that they had waited for years for us to announce a pregnancy so hearing this was devastating. I mean the support from people was really beautiful. I also learned an old friend lost a daughter of his at 20 weeks gestation, people came forward about miscarriages and I just felt so connected to these people. I didn't feel so hollow, or like I had some sort of leprosy. I don't regret my decision to tell my Facebook friends about our babies and our loss. In a sense, they now know they existed...perhaps most will forget about them, and life goes on and people don't speak of it BUT for a moment in time I got to share my babies with the world, before they were taken from my womb.
So how am I feeling today? It's almost a month since my loss and I am feeling relatively fine. I have moments where I cry. I had quite a bit of anxiety after the D&C which was due to a sudden drop of hormones. I read that often women may feel a touch of post-partum after a miscarriage and I do believe I experienced that. I decided to channel my loss into gains, and to take the negative and turn it into a positive. I called my nutritional coach and set up an appointment. I gained a shit ton of weight during my IVF and FET...33lbs up from December! So I started my diet again. I have lost 3lbs a week for the last 2 weeks. I am hoping to lose more or to remain at 3 a week. I have a goal to lose another 80lbs. I want to reach that before May so we can go on our first away vacation for our 10 year anniversary in March. I am hoping to lose 35lbs more by Christmas. We shall see if that is doable. I truly hope it is! I also started my hopefully final year of Grad school and I even was offered a Graduate Assistant job with my former Professor. I began that this week.
I am hoping we can pursue another round of IVF next Summer. I will have to contact my husband's employer's medical trust fund and see if they are holding to their word of covering 2 more cycles of IVF. I will be calling them in March/April to get the ball rolling for that.
I had cramping since the day before transfer. Over time it got progressively worse. Then all of a sudden I began have INTENSE cramping in my lower abdomen, it was central so the doctors weren't too concerned. Then the pain got even worse. I started being woken up around 5am with cramping. I would make my way to the bathroom and while sitting there I would get the most horrific pains. I began turning white, sweat pouring from my head, mouth dry and I could not feel my legs. They were shaking from the pain. Then suddenly one day I woke up and didn't feel pregnant anymore. My breast tenderness lessened, one day of light spotting, I didn't feel that fullness in my uterus and the cramping during the day stopped, but the ones in the morning were still intense and starting to last longer and longer. They started at 2-5 minutes and then began lasting 10-20 mins. WORST PAIN OF MY LIFE. I hate admitting this but when I was feeling those pains, I wanted more than anything to go back in time and NOT have done IVF. I am still very traumatized by those pains.
The day of the sonogram came and Dr.T was on vacation still and I had an appointment with Dr.D , the one who did my retrieval when Dr.T was on vacation in April. Funny isn't it that Dr.T and my schedule seems to coincide, I based my IVF cycles on my school schedule..Dr.T must be basing his around the same thing! Anyway, she came in and we discussed that I was 6w1d pregnant and that she wants to see a sac with a fetal pole, yolk and if we are lucky we could see the heartbeat but probably wouldn't hear it. I explained to her about my cramping and the spotting and how I just stopped "feeling pregnant". She assured me all of those things are normal. Even the intense cramping, as long as it wasn't on one side and could be from my endometriosis. Most women have relief during pregnancy with their Endo, a select few have very painful pregnancies. I guess I am in that damn small percentage again!
She inserts the transvaginal ultrasound wand (because I am too early to use a standard belly sonogram) and I see her eyes squint, I see she is looking everywhere, I see her move closer to the screen. I hear her say, "hmm" and she continues looking around, moving the wand, deeper, to the side and then removes it and tells me they are going to bring me to another room for a better ultrasound machine. I got dressed, knowing this was NOT good, there was nothing on that screen. Not even a gestational sac. I become worried, possible ectopic pregnancy. My worst fears are coming true. I went to the room where they do the egg retrievals, it has a better machine, much more defines...I lay back down and we begin. Still no sign of a gestational sac. She says she sees something white that seems like it indicated a sac may have been in that area. She sees a tiny little black circle and says that may be the sac and maybe my levels are too low to see. Too low? I was 418 8 days ago, by now my HCG should be over 3200 if it were doubling properly. She took blood and I waited for my beta. It came back at 1413. She said it was too low to show anything on the ultrasound and had me come in the following day for more blood work and ultrasound. Still no sign of anything, but she did think she saw something that may be a collapsed sac. No sign of ectopic, HCG level was 1600 at that point. I had to come in the following Monday again for more bloodwork and optional ultrasound. I chose for the ultrasound because I was starting to get those severe cramps more than once a day. Ultrasound revealed no evidence of either uterine or ectopic. I was diagnosed with Pregnancy in unknown location. HCG was 1815. My levels at this point should have been over 10,000. We scheduled a D&C for the following day to either confirm or rule out a uterine pregnancy. The plan was if there was no pregnancy tissue confirmed with D&C then I would need to take a Methotrexate shot and ectopic would be confirmed although origin unknown.
I arrived the next morning at the office. I sat in the waiting room with my mom and C and just felt so lost. I was emotionally prepared for this, but I hate being put under anesthesia. I was called in and changed into my gown. The anesthesiologist came in and gave me a shot of something to relax me. He said it was similar to xanax, whatever it was, it made me giggle and feel loopy and I very much enjoyed it! He asked me if I have any new medical conditions since last time he saw me. I said, "Yes, I am pregnant, but I won't be after this procedure." He told me he was sorry. He then assured me everything would be fine. He left and I was sitting in the little area alone. Thinking to myself how absurd it is that I am back at my Reproductive Endocrinologist's office, the place I just came to GET pregnant, and here I am, sitting and waiting for a procedure that will make me Unpregnant. I thought about unfair all of this really is. I asked myself, "how could this be MY life?" I have never used drugs, I don't smoke, I don't drink alcohol...I just have all these medical issues and I am fat because of them, and because of them I am sitting in a chair, contemplating all of these things, because of them I feel less like a woman than other women, I feel like I have let down my husband, my mom, myself...and I decided then, right before going in, that my life would be DIFFERENT after this, that I was going to change.
I was escorted to the room where my baby/ies or whatever they were at this point, would be taken from my womb, sent out to a lab to be analyzed and then like that, nothing of them would be remembered by anyone, except me and C. I drifted off to sleep, and then woke up and moved to recovery. I felt no rush to wake up. After my egg retrieval I wanted so bad to be up and head home to relax...not this day. I laid there, I needed the sleep. 30 minutes felt like an eternity. I felt different already. Empty. I've never told anyone that. I have kept a lot of these emotions to myself this time. I don't outwardly mourn these babies. I cry a lot when I am alone. I cry myself to sleep. I apologize to my husband randomly. His heart was broken through all of this. He has assured me that he does not blame me, that none of this is anyone's fault..that it will all be ok and that I am all he will ever need in this life. And that is the very reason I want more than anything to give him something that no one else can. Our baby. THAT is why I did IVF.
My mom cried in the car on the way home which made me feel even worse. I apologized to her for letting her down and that I just don't understand why my body doesn't work right. She told me she was crying FOR me, and how unfair this all was. I nodded. Things could have been much worse, they always can and so I told her that it is ok and there will come a day when all of this will work out. Just right now it wasn't the right time.
The day before my D&C I posted on Facebook thanking my friends who knew for their unwavering support during such a difficult time, I did not specify what happened until many people started asking. I commented "pregnancy loss" and the comments started flying in. People saying they had no idea I was pregnant, that they were sorry, that they could not understand, that their hearts broke for us, that it was unfair, that they had waited for years for us to announce a pregnancy so hearing this was devastating. I mean the support from people was really beautiful. I also learned an old friend lost a daughter of his at 20 weeks gestation, people came forward about miscarriages and I just felt so connected to these people. I didn't feel so hollow, or like I had some sort of leprosy. I don't regret my decision to tell my Facebook friends about our babies and our loss. In a sense, they now know they existed...perhaps most will forget about them, and life goes on and people don't speak of it BUT for a moment in time I got to share my babies with the world, before they were taken from my womb.
So how am I feeling today? It's almost a month since my loss and I am feeling relatively fine. I have moments where I cry. I had quite a bit of anxiety after the D&C which was due to a sudden drop of hormones. I read that often women may feel a touch of post-partum after a miscarriage and I do believe I experienced that. I decided to channel my loss into gains, and to take the negative and turn it into a positive. I called my nutritional coach and set up an appointment. I gained a shit ton of weight during my IVF and FET...33lbs up from December! So I started my diet again. I have lost 3lbs a week for the last 2 weeks. I am hoping to lose more or to remain at 3 a week. I have a goal to lose another 80lbs. I want to reach that before May so we can go on our first away vacation for our 10 year anniversary in March. I am hoping to lose 35lbs more by Christmas. We shall see if that is doable. I truly hope it is! I also started my hopefully final year of Grad school and I even was offered a Graduate Assistant job with my former Professor. I began that this week.
I am hoping we can pursue another round of IVF next Summer. I will have to contact my husband's employer's medical trust fund and see if they are holding to their word of covering 2 more cycles of IVF. I will be calling them in March/April to get the ball rolling for that.
Saturday, August 9, 2014
Beta 3 and Beta 4
I went in for my 3rd beta on Monday August 4th. I had prepared myself for a chemical pregnancy honestly. I got the call while I was in the laundromat that my beta went to 180 and that no more beta's were needed and I am officially pregnant. I had an appointment for my 2nd round of intralipids and was sent my pregnancy calendar for medication etc and to schedule my first OB ultrasound, which is on August 14th.
When I arrived for my intrapids two days later, the nurse asked me if I wanted to do another beta. I was so nervous but said yes. I spent the next 2 hours of my infusion in a state of pure nervousness and dread. I was so scared honestly. At the end of my infusion the nurse came back to tell me that my levels were 418! I started shaking and my pulse was elevated. This is much further than I have ever gotten with a pregnancy and suddenly the realization that this could actually turn out well entered my mind. I saw my RE on my way out and he told me he was very pleased and optimistic for this pregnancy.
Later that night I decided to write to Dr. Sh.er and let him know about my levels. Now he went from feeling like a small chance to saying that things look really good now. I am still holding my breath for Thursday's ultrasound but I can't believe it. I am actually PREGNANT!
When I arrived for my intrapids two days later, the nurse asked me if I wanted to do another beta. I was so nervous but said yes. I spent the next 2 hours of my infusion in a state of pure nervousness and dread. I was so scared honestly. At the end of my infusion the nurse came back to tell me that my levels were 418! I started shaking and my pulse was elevated. This is much further than I have ever gotten with a pregnancy and suddenly the realization that this could actually turn out well entered my mind. I saw my RE on my way out and he told me he was very pleased and optimistic for this pregnancy.
Later that night I decided to write to Dr. Sh.er and let him know about my levels. Now he went from feeling like a small chance to saying that things look really good now. I am still holding my breath for Thursday's ultrasound but I can't believe it. I am actually PREGNANT!
Saturday, August 2, 2014
Results
On July 21st, 2014 we transfered two Grade 2 expanded blastocysts, one was already beginning to hatch. I did acupuncture before the transfer, we grabbed some lunch and then headed to the fertility clinic. I drank 1 liter of water and then with a full bladder prepared for my transfer. Prior to the transfer C and I were sitting in the waiting room and the song "Don't Stop Believing" by Journey came on. It was so perfect and gave me so much hope. I felt it was a sign from my Dad of some sorts.
The transfer went well and was a little strange feeling but all in all, it was a really peaceful experience. They handed me a picture of my embryos and told me that I am officially pregnant until proven otherwise and that this was babies' first picture.
After the transfer I had another acupuncture session and then we drove home. It was a VERY long day and we were emotionally and physically drained. My mom was at our house preparing dinner for us. She stayed over night and took care of me the next day too. I was on bedrest for 2 days and then light duty for the next day after that.
I had promised myself I would NOT POAS but by 7dp5dt, the day before my beta, I just had to test. It was a BFN. I cried. I cried so hard and I felt so guilty that my body had failed us yet again. The next morning I went to Quest to have my beta drawn but on the way home I decided to pick up a cheap HPT and test for the hell of it.
And there it was. A VERY FAINT BFP! I had to wait the entire day for a phone call with the results of my beta. Around 3:30PM the nurse called. My beta came in. It was low. 11. Wow, that was even lower than my first beta when I had a miscarriage at 5w2d. I repeated the beta on 10dp5dt and it doubled to 25. Still low. So that is where I am now. I go in on Monday for another beta which should give us some idea as to where this is heading.
Dr. Sh.er said there is a chance of viable pregnancy but the chance is small. I have been having intense cramping but trying to remain positive. This is not the end of the road for us, and have accepted that this more than likely will end in an early miscarriage as well...but all hope is not lost.
The transfer went well and was a little strange feeling but all in all, it was a really peaceful experience. They handed me a picture of my embryos and told me that I am officially pregnant until proven otherwise and that this was babies' first picture.
I had promised myself I would NOT POAS but by 7dp5dt, the day before my beta, I just had to test. It was a BFN. I cried. I cried so hard and I felt so guilty that my body had failed us yet again. The next morning I went to Quest to have my beta drawn but on the way home I decided to pick up a cheap HPT and test for the hell of it.
And there it was. A VERY FAINT BFP! I had to wait the entire day for a phone call with the results of my beta. Around 3:30PM the nurse called. My beta came in. It was low. 11. Wow, that was even lower than my first beta when I had a miscarriage at 5w2d. I repeated the beta on 10dp5dt and it doubled to 25. Still low. So that is where I am now. I go in on Monday for another beta which should give us some idea as to where this is heading.
Dr. Sh.er said there is a chance of viable pregnancy but the chance is small. I have been having intense cramping but trying to remain positive. This is not the end of the road for us, and have accepted that this more than likely will end in an early miscarriage as well...but all hope is not lost.
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