I haven't updated this blog in over a month because so much has happened since the last time I blogged. After my last beta which was 418 I began feeling optimistic. I started believing that I could ACTUALLY be blessed in 9 months with a baby or two and that all of this was worth the shots, the time, the blood draws, the pain, all of it. All 7 years of battling infertility and the last 3 years fighting and winning my battle with depression and anxiety...that all of that was worth it, my blessing was coming and I would be rewarded for my strength and perserverence.
I had cramping since the day before transfer. Over time it got progressively worse. Then all of a sudden I began have INTENSE cramping in my lower abdomen, it was central so the doctors weren't too concerned. Then the pain got even worse. I started being woken up around 5am with cramping. I would make my way to the bathroom and while sitting there I would get the most horrific pains. I began turning white, sweat pouring from my head, mouth dry and I could not feel my legs. They were shaking from the pain. Then suddenly one day I woke up and didn't feel pregnant anymore. My breast tenderness lessened, one day of light spotting, I didn't feel that fullness in my uterus and the cramping during the day stopped, but the ones in the morning were still intense and starting to last longer and longer. They started at 2-5 minutes and then began lasting 10-20 mins. WORST PAIN OF MY LIFE. I hate admitting this but when I was feeling those pains, I wanted more than anything to go back in time and NOT have done IVF. I am still very traumatized by those pains.
The day of the sonogram came and Dr.T was on vacation still and I had an appointment with Dr.D , the one who did my retrieval when Dr.T was on vacation in April. Funny isn't it that Dr.T and my schedule seems to coincide, I based my IVF cycles on my school schedule..Dr.T must be basing his around the same thing! Anyway, she came in and we discussed that I was 6w1d pregnant and that she wants to see a sac with a fetal pole, yolk and if we are lucky we could see the heartbeat but probably wouldn't hear it. I explained to her about my cramping and the spotting and how I just stopped "feeling pregnant". She assured me all of those things are normal. Even the intense cramping, as long as it wasn't on one side and could be from my endometriosis. Most women have relief during pregnancy with their Endo, a select few have very painful pregnancies. I guess I am in that damn small percentage again!
She inserts the transvaginal ultrasound wand (because I am too early to use a standard belly sonogram) and I see her eyes squint, I see she is looking everywhere, I see her move closer to the screen. I hear her say, "hmm" and she continues looking around, moving the wand, deeper, to the side and then removes it and tells me they are going to bring me to another room for a better ultrasound machine. I got dressed, knowing this was NOT good, there was nothing on that screen. Not even a gestational sac. I become worried, possible ectopic pregnancy. My worst fears are coming true. I went to the room where they do the egg retrievals, it has a better machine, much more defines...I lay back down and we begin. Still no sign of a gestational sac. She says she sees something white that seems like it indicated a sac may have been in that area. She sees a tiny little black circle and says that may be the sac and maybe my levels are too low to see. Too low? I was 418 8 days ago, by now my HCG should be over 3200 if it were doubling properly. She took blood and I waited for my beta. It came back at 1413. She said it was too low to show anything on the ultrasound and had me come in the following day for more blood work and ultrasound. Still no sign of anything, but she did think she saw something that may be a collapsed sac. No sign of ectopic, HCG level was 1600 at that point. I had to come in the following Monday again for more bloodwork and optional ultrasound. I chose for the ultrasound because I was starting to get those severe cramps more than once a day. Ultrasound revealed no evidence of either uterine or ectopic. I was diagnosed with Pregnancy in unknown location. HCG was 1815. My levels at this point should have been over 10,000. We scheduled a D&C for the following day to either confirm or rule out a uterine pregnancy. The plan was if there was no pregnancy tissue confirmed with D&C then I would need to take a Methotrexate shot and ectopic would be confirmed although origin unknown.
I arrived the next morning at the office. I sat in the waiting room with my mom and C and just felt so lost. I was emotionally prepared for this, but I hate being put under anesthesia. I was called in and changed into my gown. The anesthesiologist came in and gave me a shot of something to relax me. He said it was similar to xanax, whatever it was, it made me giggle and feel loopy and I very much enjoyed it! He asked me if I have any new medical conditions since last time he saw me. I said, "Yes, I am pregnant, but I won't be after this procedure." He told me he was sorry. He then assured me everything would be fine. He left and I was sitting in the little area alone. Thinking to myself how absurd it is that I am back at my Reproductive Endocrinologist's office, the place I just came to GET pregnant, and here I am, sitting and waiting for a procedure that will make me Unpregnant. I thought about unfair all of this really is. I asked myself, "how could this be MY life?" I have never used drugs, I don't smoke, I don't drink alcohol...I just have all these medical issues and I am fat because of them, and because of them I am sitting in a chair, contemplating all of these things, because of them I feel less like a woman than other women, I feel like I have let down my husband, my mom, myself...and I decided then, right before going in, that my life would be DIFFERENT after this, that I was going to change.
I was escorted to the room where my baby/ies or whatever they were at this point, would be taken from my womb, sent out to a lab to be analyzed and then like that, nothing of them would be remembered by anyone, except me and C. I drifted off to sleep, and then woke up and moved to recovery. I felt no rush to wake up. After my egg retrieval I wanted so bad to be up and head home to relax...not this day. I laid there, I needed the sleep. 30 minutes felt like an eternity. I felt different already. Empty. I've never told anyone that. I have kept a lot of these emotions to myself this time. I don't outwardly mourn these babies. I cry a lot when I am alone. I cry myself to sleep. I apologize to my husband randomly. His heart was broken through all of this. He has assured me that he does not blame me, that none of this is anyone's fault..that it will all be ok and that I am all he will ever need in this life. And that is the very reason I want more than anything to give him something that no one else can. Our baby. THAT is why I did IVF.
My mom cried in the car on the way home which made me feel even worse. I apologized to her for letting her down and that I just don't understand why my body doesn't work right. She told me she was crying FOR me, and how unfair this all was. I nodded. Things could have been much worse, they always can and so I told her that it is ok and there will come a day when all of this will work out. Just right now it wasn't the right time.
The day before my D&C I posted on Facebook thanking my friends who knew for their unwavering support during such a difficult time, I did not specify what happened until many people started asking. I commented "pregnancy loss" and the comments started flying in. People saying they had no idea I was pregnant, that they were sorry, that they could not understand, that their hearts broke for us, that it was unfair, that they had waited for years for us to announce a pregnancy so hearing this was devastating. I mean the support from people was really beautiful. I also learned an old friend lost a daughter of his at 20 weeks gestation, people came forward about miscarriages and I just felt so connected to these people. I didn't feel so hollow, or like I had some sort of leprosy. I don't regret my decision to tell my Facebook friends about our babies and our loss. In a sense, they now know they existed...perhaps most will forget about them, and life goes on and people don't speak of it BUT for a moment in time I got to share my babies with the world, before they were taken from my womb.
So how am I feeling today? It's almost a month since my loss and I am feeling relatively fine. I have moments where I cry. I had quite a bit of anxiety after the D&C which was due to a sudden drop of hormones. I read that often women may feel a touch of post-partum after a miscarriage and I do believe I experienced that. I decided to channel my loss into gains, and to take the negative and turn it into a positive. I called my nutritional coach and set up an appointment. I gained a shit ton of weight during my IVF and FET...33lbs up from December! So I started my diet again. I have lost 3lbs a week for the last 2 weeks. I am hoping to lose more or to remain at 3 a week. I have a goal to lose another 80lbs. I want to reach that before May so we can go on our first away vacation for our 10 year anniversary in March. I am hoping to lose 35lbs more by Christmas. We shall see if that is doable. I truly hope it is! I also started my hopefully final year of Grad school and I even was offered a Graduate Assistant job with my former Professor. I began that this week.
I am hoping we can pursue another round of IVF next Summer. I will have to contact my husband's employer's medical trust fund and see if they are holding to their word of covering 2 more cycles of IVF. I will be calling them in March/April to get the ball rolling for that.
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