Twas The Night Before Transfer.

I cannot believe the day has arrived. Tomorrow morning we will be leaving our house to venture out to the city to embark on what we hope to be the very first day of our lives as parents. I am sitting here with a million and one emotions and thoughts running through my mind and body. I can't help but think of the last 7 years and what we have been through when we first began TTC. In the beginning we had so much hope, very little fear and much excitement. We had no idea that when we decided on September 18th, 2007 that we were going to try to start a family, that we would be facing the things we have. The countless months that turned in years, the tears that turned into sobs, the worry that turned into extreme anxiety and the sadness that enveloped us both in depression. The years, they have not been kind to our souls, they have beaten us and battered us in ways that we will probably never recover from. I am not the same person I was 7 years ago, my husband is not the same person he was 7 years ago, our marriage is not the same marriage it was 7 years ago. I am stronger, he is stronger, WE are stronger.


Infertility leaves you as a different person. All phases of it change you. In the beginning, you have all this hope, and yes, for the most part it always remains with you, but each year it gets less and less. You aren't being negative, you've just come to a realization that the family you had planned on having may not neccessarily be the family you wind up having, and that's ok...cause there begins a new hope, that this new picture of a new family may be better than your original plan. You start seeing the benefits and adjust your thinking to focus solely on the positives of your new life vision. At least that is what we have tried to do.

We wanted four children. We won't have four children. As we get older we realize our dreams of four children when we first began trying would probably never work out well for our family anyway. So we decided to drop that down to three. Then the years passed, I developed anxiety and slowly started seeing how two could be all I could handle successfully. So we were set on two.

Tonight I type this, knowing full well that I truly mean what I am about to say. We would be completely whole with ONE. Just one beautiful, healthy child to call our own. Tomorrow I am transferring two 5 day blastocysts...as a woman who is nurturing and has a mother's heart, I of course want both of them to stick. Not because I dream of twins, because I don't. I never even entertained the thought of twins until we decided along with our RE to transfer 2, last month. I want both to implant because they are both already my babies. They are the lives C and I created (along with some help obviously) but this is about as close to being parents as we have ever been except for our very early miscarriage 6 years ago.

I am praying both thaw successfully and come to be with me tomorrow afternoon. I pray that both stay, and that in 9 months I meet these miraculous beings. If not, and my cycle fails, I will take comfort in knowing, if even for a few short days, my body carried within me 2 beautiful lives, so very much wanted, that those babies will become a part of me, their souls will run through my veins and bury themselves deep within my heart. These are the thoughts that will get me through the 2ww.


Tonight I will lay my head on my pillow, and it will possibly be the last night I spend with my body alone for the next 9 months. It will possibly be the last night of my life that I am not a mother. There is something unbelievably breath taking about the realization of that possibility.


Tonight I will go to bed as C's wife, as D and C's Doggy Mom but tomorrow I will lay my head on that pillow, with life growing inside me. Life that I pray will become part of our forever family.

3 Days Til Transfer

Wednesday's appointment went well. Dr. T checked my lining and ovaries and everything looked great. No cysts, and my lining measured 13mm which is more than double what it was during the cycle I got pregnant with an IUI. I was and wasn't worried about whether my lining would thicken. It seemed to have build up well during my stimming part of my cycle, which ironically it measured 13mm then too! I am thinking 13 has been my number this IVF/FET. I had 13 eggs removed, and my lining has been 13mm twice. Lucky number 13? I sure hope so!

I went to my acupuncture appointment afterwards and then had to go back to Dr. T's office for my E2V dosage, PIO instructions and updated FET Calendar.

I began my antibiotics, PIO and increased my dosage of E2V dosage. Stopped Lupron and will have to take my last lovenox injection on Saturday.

' MONDAY is my transfer, tonight it is currently 10:30 on Friday night, so my transfer is in 2.5 days! OMG!!!!!

Lord please let this work!

Monday I will have 2 acupuncture sessions, one before transfer and one after. We are driving into the city, I will be on bedrest for 2 days and taking it easy for the rest of the week. Cris took vacation from work to help me out. Mom is coming over Monday night and Tuesday to cook dinner for us. I am so thankful for the both of them. My heart is so full.

One Week Before Scheduled Transfer

I am sitting at my desk the night before it is actually 1 week until my scheduled FET. I have a lot of emotions running through me at this present time. I am excited, hopeful, nervous and scared but most of all I am really humbled to be able to experience this. I am also proud of myself for having the courage to face my fears about IVF and to move forward, it has been a very long time since I knew we needed to pursue IVF if we ever wanted to attempt having biological children. I was so drenched in fear that at one point I had written off ever trying to get pregnant and had made plans to pursue domestic adoption. I even contacted several adoption agencies and had packets sent to us. When those packets arrived and I sat with them in my hand, it did not feel like it was the right decision.

Soon after I recieved a letter from my husband's employer, informing us that we were no longer going to have health insurance under Aetna and that we were switching to BCBS. I immediately felt my heart sink into my stomach. I knew something was very wrong with this change and I immediately called to ask if IVF was still covered like under our last plan. It was NOT. I started shaking and crying and I couldn't believe that I had blown our chance at having biological children.

Suddenly I WANTED to do IVF, and I wanted to do it NOW. I stood there crying..with nothing to lose I contacted my husband's employer and asked why they would change insurance in 30 days and leave us without the same coverage when they promised that our coverage would not have changed. They told me the old coverage was not supposed to cover IVF and that if I could bring them the proof that it did that they would authorize to cover 3 cycles of IVF. I save EVERYTHING. So naturally I had all the papers with confirmation codes that showed that coverage for IVF was indeed verified. I was approved for 3 cycles of IVF. I knew that it was now or never and that I could not pass up this opportunity.

I know that this all happened for a reason. Perhaps I would never have had the courage to take the leap and would have waited more years to pass by. Maybe my reaching out and contacting Dr. T years ago was just to secure that I would have coverage for when I was truly ready. It turns out that my husband's employer has covered much more than our original coverage was going to. They had even approved genetic testing, which we decided against last minute.


On March 25th, on my 9th wedding Anniversary, I recieved these in the mail.

This was the beginning of the process. I was completely overwhelmed by the amount of medication, and that box was missing all the medication for the transfer. I recieved that box in June.

I began my FET cycle when I got my period on June 16th. I started with birth control pills and then added Lupron. I went in on Friday, June 27th for a Saline Ultrasound and all was clear. Nothing to worry about. Once I got my period on July 1st, I went in for a baseline ultrasound. My lining was 6mm and there were no cysts. However, I told Dr. T that my legs have been swollen. He checked them out and was concerned so he sent me for a doppler of my legs to rule out blood clots before we could move forward. So I hailed a cab and headed Uptown. After a grueling 30 minutes of being completely grossed out and covered in ultrasound gel while in my underwear with a huge pad on (I had my period!) I had to clean up and then sit in the waiting room waiting for results. I didn't think I could ever feel more weird than having a transvaginal ultrasound while menstruating, but trust me, having a doppler of your legs done while on your period, laying with your legs spread open while a complete stranger rubs gel up and down your legs is maybe just one step above a date with wandy. I always apologize to Dr. T when he has to perform a transvaginal ultrasound during my period. I mean, what a shitty position for him to be in. He always tells me not to apologize and that it is his job to do this, but I just can't even look at him without wanting to tell him how incredibly sorry I am that he has to endure this...I have PCOS and Endometriosis..my periods are far from light. In fact I am willing to bet there was less blood shed during the Revolutionary War. I have been tempted to ask him to tell me the grossest, most awkward and embarassing moments being an RE so that I could feel a little bit better about myself during our encounters, but I am not trying to torture the poor guy into rehashing shit that he probably wishes he could unsee.

This also reminds me of the time that I confessed to Dr. D that I was worried about being under anesthesia. I was afraid I wouldn't wake up but equally as afraid that I would have no control and fart during my retrieval while asleep. I asked Dr. D after my egg retrieval if I farted. I am pretty sure she wanted to laugh right in my face. But I was really worried about that! She told me that I didn't but I highly doubt she would tell me the truth especially since she knew how nervous I was about that. I think at that moment I was REALLY glad that Dr. T didn't do my retrieval because I have to see him for other appointments, with her, it was more like, well if I farted I don't have to look at her again or conversate..unless I see her in the office and would I always be the patient who totally ripped one during her retrieval? I bet I did and she's just really great with being all nonchalant. She did tell me that it does happen! Great..I bet that was a hint that I totally fucking farted during my retrieval. I wonder if REs talk about these things? I probably would, if I was one..."I did 4 retrievals today, only one patient farted, today was a good day" I mean that's how it would roll in my office.

Anyway, while waiting for my results from the doppler, some really cute petite woman was sitting on the phone trying to get a prescription faxed over for an ultrasound. She was quiet and polite and I felt terrible for her as she kept saying she was in pain. After about 15 minutes, this tiny little woman sitting next to me jumped to her feet and breathed fire into the phone. Suddenly she was roaring at whomever was on the phone. I could not believe that this little lady had the vocabulary that she did. Dressed in a floral summer dress and flip flops, very soft make up, she looked like quite the delicate flower. But hell hath no fury like a woman with kidney stones. Her voice went from 4 volume to 23 volume as she told the receptionist "I am not sure how fucking incompetant you are but how mother fucking hard is it to get this goddamn fucking prescription faxed over. I am in a shit ton of pain and you BETTER send over the fucking prescription NOW you hear me?!" Well now...suddenly I felt half the size of this mighty mouse and I just couldn't wait to get the hell out of there before she started flinging chairs as if we were on the Jerry Springer set. 5 minutes later I was told I had no clots and I emailed Dr. T and let him know and I left. I didn't see or read anything in the news about a homicidal woman with kidney stones, so I think it is safe to assume that she got her prescription.

So I got the go ahead from my nurse Leslie, who really is so sweet and I still feel like shit for being a bit snarky with her in the beginning when I was confused about my cycle. I will bring her chocolates or something on the day of my transfer or beta. I hope she is not diabetic cause well how shitty would that look? And let's be honest, at this rate I would probably eat them on the way over there from stress. I will have to think of something!
I started Femara that night (part of their FET protocol) yeah I know, I was totally shocked by this too. So of course I did what any neurotic Grad student who happens to also be infertile and recovered from Generalized Anxiety (quit laughing) would do...I googled the shit out of Letrozole and FET...results were good. Thumbs up to Dr. T for using this approach. I am convinced at this point we are throwing everything but the kitchen sink into this cycle...the wand is enough..no kitchen sink needed!

I also began Estradoil Valerate injections..Intramuscular. Leslie told me these would hurt..BAD. She said she doesn't sugar coat things, which she doesn't. I drew out the E2V and loaded up my syringe.

The needle to draw it out is thicker than the needle you use to inject it. I changed the needle, capped it and then iced my area.

I kept thinking about what Leslie said at the appointment that day. That this shit was going to be painful..that many patients cannot even handle it. She had my heart palpilating hearing those words in my head as my husband alcohol swabbed the area and then unwillingly approached my buttocks/hip area with a 50 foot needle. I thought C would enjoy doing this. It could have been payback for my mood swings, short temper and lack of patience..but my sweet C was so upset he had to even do this. He really loves me. I am truly blessed to have him. REALLY BLESSED. My husband doesn't want to shoot me. That's a good thing! C took a few breaths, he made the sounds that women do at lamaze class. Really dude? You are giving me an injection, not birthing a child..although, at this very moment, I think we both would have opted for that scenario instead. He finally was able to gain some confidence, he counted and said he would inject on the count of 3. I stopped him from counting. I asked him if we could go on the bed cause I needed to be able to bury my face in my pillow. We moved to the bedroom and I bent over the side of our bed. Great, I am bending over my bed, ass out and my husband is standing behind me...on another night this would spell fun, tonight it was torture..and not the 50 Shades of Grey kind either! He started counting again and I told him to count to himself because I didn't want to know it was coming...so he counted to himself and then I guess on 3 he shouted "Go!" anyway and jabbed me. He asked if it hurt and it didn't. He drew back, no blood, great..and he began injecting. I was laying there wondering when this was going to start hurting. "Is it in yet?" "Are you still in?" "Are you finished?" "Leslie said it was supposed to hurt, I need to email Leslie, I don't think you hit the spot..shit!" He kept assuring that he hit the spot and that my ass was one giant muscle. Thanks Bud! Under no circumstances should you EVER tell your swollen, hormonal, bent over, ass in the air wife that her ass was a "GIANT" muscle...I emailed Leslie, she said to see what happens next time. Next time it still didn't hurt. At this point I am sure Leslie was tired of reading emails about how much ass did not hurt. I made sure not to make the subject of the email "My Ass" because I didn't want it automatically sent to spam as porn. Leslie needed to read my email...I needed to know..she said to keep waiting. So I did.

On Friday July 11th I went in for my first E2 level and for my first round of intralipids.

The intralipids took almost 2 hours. It wasn't too bad. I did not feel anything during or after. I was bored though. REALLY bored. After my infusion was finished Leslie came to tell me that my E2V injection dosage needed to be increased because I my estrogen levels were only 220. Well at least we know I am getting my shots in. I told her that it still doesn't hurt and that maybe it is because I iced it long? She told me to try not icing it and see what happens. What?! Sure, okay no problem..I will intentionally try to cause myself pain. The next day it was time for my shot again. I increased the dose and I sure did ICE my area. There was no way I was going to do this without ice! So anyway C is becoming a pro at this. He's got this whole Intramuscular Injection swagger going on...well at least he did..until last night! C must have hit a blood vessel on the way out...I am on blood thinners...want to guess what happened?

Yep! Blood started spurting everywhere out of this tiny little hole in my ass/hip. C totally freaked out..lost all composure and I felt the blood dripping and hitting my leg and on the floor. Poor guy...he was so scared. He kept screaming, "It's the Lovenox! It's not my fault!" He totally needed to chill the fuck out! I applied pressure and asked him to grab me the band aids that I bought earlier that day. What a foreshadowing that was! They had either Hello Kitty or Mickey Mouse...I opted for Hello Kitty...C asked if I thought about what would happen if he needed a band aid too and all that we had was Hello Kitty...I wasn't really thinking of him when I bought them..I was thinking of how cute my ass would look with a Hello Kitty band aid on it, if I needed it.

I was tempted to email Leslie, but I refrained. The subject of the email would have been, "Tonight my ass hurts! Mission accomplished!" but really? what would she have replied? "Congratulations"? I kept the victory to myself and I shared it with C too. It was a special moment we shared. I then decided to fuck with him and tell him I was mad that he slaughtered me tonight. He got so upset. LOL...it is good to see that through this all I have been able to maintain my sense of humor.

Will update after Wednesday!