I cannot believe the day has arrived. Tomorrow morning we will be leaving our house to venture out to the city to embark on what we hope to be the very first day of our lives as parents. I am sitting here with a million and one emotions and thoughts running through my mind and body. I can't help but think of the last 7 years and what we have been through when we first began TTC. In the beginning we had so much hope, very little fear and much excitement. We had no idea that when we decided on September 18th, 2007 that we were going to try to start a family, that we would be facing the things we have. The countless months that turned in years, the tears that turned into sobs, the worry that turned into extreme anxiety and the sadness that enveloped us both in depression. The years, they have not been kind to our souls, they have beaten us and battered us in ways that we will probably never recover from. I am not the same person I was 7 years ago, my husband is not the same person he was 7 years ago, our marriage is not the same marriage it was 7 years ago. I am stronger, he is stronger, WE are stronger.
Infertility leaves you as a different person. All phases of it change you. In the beginning, you have all this hope, and yes, for the most part it always remains with you, but each year it gets less and less. You aren't being negative, you've just come to a realization that the family you had planned on having may not neccessarily be the family you wind up having, and that's ok...cause there begins a new hope, that this new picture of a new family may be better than your original plan. You start seeing the benefits and adjust your thinking to focus solely on the positives of your new life vision. At least that is what we have tried to do.
We wanted four children. We won't have four children. As we get older we realize our dreams of four children when we first began trying would probably never work out well for our family anyway. So we decided to drop that down to three. Then the years passed, I developed anxiety and slowly started seeing how two could be all I could handle successfully. So we were set on two.
Tonight I type this, knowing full well that I truly mean what I am about to say. We would be completely whole with ONE. Just one beautiful, healthy child to call our own. Tomorrow I am transferring two 5 day blastocysts...as a woman who is nurturing and has a mother's heart, I of course want both of them to stick. Not because I dream of twins, because I don't. I never even entertained the thought of twins until we decided along with our RE to transfer 2, last month. I want both to implant because they are both already my babies. They are the lives C and I created (along with some help obviously) but this is about as close to being parents as we have ever been except for our very early miscarriage 6 years ago.
I am praying both thaw successfully and come to be with me tomorrow afternoon. I pray that both stay, and that in 9 months I meet these miraculous beings. If not, and my cycle fails, I will take comfort in knowing, if even for a few short days, my body carried within me 2 beautiful lives, so very much wanted, that those babies will become a part of me, their souls will run through my veins and bury themselves deep within my heart. These are the thoughts that will get me through the 2ww.
Tonight I will lay my head on my pillow, and it will possibly be the last night I spend with my body alone for the next 9 months. It will possibly be the last night of my life that I am not a mother. There is something unbelievably breath taking about the realization of that possibility.
Tonight I will go to bed as C's wife, as D and C's Doggy Mom but tomorrow I will lay my head on that pillow, with life growing inside me. Life that I pray will become part of our forever family.
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