Today I would have been 25 weeks pregnant.
Monday, December 22, 2014
Saturday, November 22, 2014
When Infertility Happens to Someone You Know.....and What it Reveals About Yourself.
Last night a friend confided in me that she was diagnosed with PCOS this week. She, like me, is 33 years old. She like me, has been seeing an OBGYN since she was 18, she like me spent years without the diagnosis of PCOS, until she began trying for a baby.
Why is PCOS often ignored or not diagnosed at all until you are trying to conceive? It has to be one of the most undertreated conditions within the world of women's healthcare. PCOS is not hard to diagnose. So why the lack of diagnosis? I can only imagine that while OBGYNs are taught about PCOS in medical school, they don't encounter it nearly enough to take an interest in it, to understand it and effectively treat it. Although I suspect that with the rising rates of infertility, that more and more OBGYNs are becoming more familiar with it. There are so many different parts of PCOS that warrant treatment that is not linked to wanting to become pregnant. It is an endocrine disorder that wreaks havoc on a woman's hormones, causing a whole host of symptoms such as acne, hirsutism, irregular menstrual cycles which often leads to high estrogen levels, high testosterone levels and low progesterone. This imbalance does not make for feeling well. At least not for me! Water retention, depression, anxiety, mood swings, these are all linked to hormonal imbalances. And let's not forget that contined high levels of estrogen put us at a greater risk for hormone related cancers. In a nutshell PCOS is a horrible disorder.
I was reading my messages from my friend, about her fears, her concerns, her doubts and then she got to self-blame. I stopped her right there. I hope that she believed me when I told her that none of this is her fault. NONE OF IT. I couldn't understand why she was blaming herself. Honestly, in all my years struggling with infertility, I never once blamed myself for having PCOS, Hashimotos or Endometriosis. I did nothing to have these diseases, and neither did she. She is angry that she didn't go to the doctor sooner, but what would sooner have done? Sooner would have made no difference in her treatment, sooner wouldn't change the outcome...there is no difference between 30 and 33 in the world of reproductive endocrinology....she is not to blame. Let us not forget that she was seeing her OBGYN regularly, and she failed to diagnose her. How could she self-diagnose? It is not her fault.
I felt my heart break for her as she spoke of her Faith, which is still strong right now, hopefully she is not one who wavers in her Faith from this, although, I can guarantee that at some point she will be angry with God if her journey is a long one..I reminded her that it was ok to be angry. It took me back to a place I was just a few short years ago, when I began this journey toward becoming a mother. I remember how ridiculously scared I was. The insecurities I felt and at times I still feel them. My body failed to do the most basic of functions...to reproduce. It didn't matter that I did not drink, smoke or do drugs. It didn't matter that I changed eating habits, charted my temperature, checked my cervical mucus daily, peed on a thousand OPK sticks, took supplements, and put my body through enormous stress with hormones. It didn't matter, none of what I tried yielded me a child. So do I blame myself? No! Am I angry with God? Not anymore. Do I have Faith? I definitely do! Do I have hope? More than ever. But I know that it took me a VERY long time to arrive at the destination of acceptance. A LONG time, lots of medication, therapy and serious soul searching. Time has passed, medications are a thing of the past and therapy has ended(although I kinda believe I need to go back to therapy), soul searching is a continuous process that I take part in daily.
In speaking with my friend, I reminded her of the things she told me. To have Faith and believe that it will happen. She now understands that saying that offers little to no help at all, but I still told her those words. As much as I hated when it was told to me, the truth is, you have to encourage people when they are facing something as painful as infertility but I also told her it was ok to feel the not so great things. That it was more than ok to be angry, bitter, shocked, to make deals with God, to bargain for a baby with Him, to plead, to be jealous and envy women with whom motherhood comes easy and to be sad, oh God, sadness, it is a HUGE component of infertility...these emotions are all normal, they are more than normal, they are OKAY to feel...acknowledge those feelings, feel them for however long you need, as long as you don't stay stuck in them forever.
Talking with her made me realize that I have come so far in all of this. I have this deep understanding of how life doesn't always pan out how you planned, but that you can be happy with a different life, you just make a new plan...sometimes it is a better plan. I have grown tremendously both emotionally and spiritually throughout all of this. I find the silver linings, I look for the good, I try to find the reasons. Sometimes I am successful, other times I am not and you know what? That's okay too.
I like myself as a person today more than I ever liked myself. I have been struggling for what seems like forever with my inability to be happy with who I am physically, and there was a period of time that I did not like who I was as a person either. That person I was while deep in the trenches of depression and anxiety. I was moody, antsy, withdrawn, high strung, too sensitive, defensive, bitter, angry, jealous...and I was gaining weight at rapid speed. I was really fucked up if I may be frank. Now, 5 years later, after the clouds have lifted, after I fought my way back from the depths of the darkness of depression and severe panic, I kind of really love the person I am. I enjoy being happy. I am allowing myself to be happy, and that feels good. I may never like what I look like, I may never be a size 5 again, but I have decided that regardless of all of that, I will love myself, at every size, at every age and in every stage of my life. I can try to fix the things I don't like and accept the things I cannot change. Infertility did this to me.
Say what? How can a disease that has brought me so much pain and sadness, that left me depressed, anxious and fat, also be the disease that left me with gratitude, truth and self acceptance? I can't answer that honestly...I can only say that it forced me to dig deep within myself, to learn who I really am, to not focus on what's broken, but rather to find the good in me, to find what makes me smile, what makes me laugh...to love every moment of my life. Even the shitty days when it seems like the universe is against me.
Infertility is a battle, and you don't only win once you have a baby, you can win long before that..if you let yourself. I won't pretend that any of this is easy, because none of it is, but it also isn't the worst thing in the world. I can promise you that. It surely isn't the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I don't want people to feel bad for us, to feel sorry for us. They shouldn't. We are REALLY happily married, completely fulfilled in our marriage..we are enough for one another, we don't NEED a child, we WANT one..there is a big difference. I wish people would understand that when I share things with them via social media, that I am not looking for pity, sympathy or anything of the sort..I am actually doing it to raise awareness, to stop the silent talks, to be the person who opens up the possibility of dialogue when they find out they are dealing with infertility. They can still be private and gain support from me. That is why I am so vocal about this all. It is also a great way to stop people from asking when you are having kids, although at this point it kind of feels worse that people stopped asking us...did they give up on us? That's ok if they did, as long as we haven't given up on us. :)
At the end of my conversation, I told my friend to not waste time with an OBGYN and move right along to an RE...and of course I totally plugged my RE, because he is quite fantastic and so are his colleagues, and I have 100% belief that they will get her pregnant. I often advocate for anyone I know to use my doctor. Sometimes I wonder if they think to themselves then why am I not pregnant? I do tell them that I have been on a break for a very long time, not actively trying, I was actively preventing while on meds for 3 years and well even though I miscarried, I did get pregnant on the 3rd IUI and the 1st IVF...those are pretty good stats for someone with a myriad of conditions. Right now is the only time that we have not prevented, because right now is the only time I have been completely off medications, and although I know that the probability of a pregnancy on our own is next to nil, I still remain hopeful that it could be a possibility....that is, if C still has some sperm...I am sure that will disappear as time goes on with him having been back on testosterone. I will try IVF again, and again if need be. We will get this right eventually, and if we don't, well then there are other avenues to explore.
Tonight my mother told me I have really changed...and she meant it as a compliment. I am glad that people are finally seeing this, which means I am projecting it, which means I am really feeling it...I could never fake my feelings, I wear my heart on my sleeve, my face is perpetually in a state of expecting the worst, except lately....I have been smiling and laughing a lot more. It's good to be happy. So good.
Why is PCOS often ignored or not diagnosed at all until you are trying to conceive? It has to be one of the most undertreated conditions within the world of women's healthcare. PCOS is not hard to diagnose. So why the lack of diagnosis? I can only imagine that while OBGYNs are taught about PCOS in medical school, they don't encounter it nearly enough to take an interest in it, to understand it and effectively treat it. Although I suspect that with the rising rates of infertility, that more and more OBGYNs are becoming more familiar with it. There are so many different parts of PCOS that warrant treatment that is not linked to wanting to become pregnant. It is an endocrine disorder that wreaks havoc on a woman's hormones, causing a whole host of symptoms such as acne, hirsutism, irregular menstrual cycles which often leads to high estrogen levels, high testosterone levels and low progesterone. This imbalance does not make for feeling well. At least not for me! Water retention, depression, anxiety, mood swings, these are all linked to hormonal imbalances. And let's not forget that contined high levels of estrogen put us at a greater risk for hormone related cancers. In a nutshell PCOS is a horrible disorder.
I was reading my messages from my friend, about her fears, her concerns, her doubts and then she got to self-blame. I stopped her right there. I hope that she believed me when I told her that none of this is her fault. NONE OF IT. I couldn't understand why she was blaming herself. Honestly, in all my years struggling with infertility, I never once blamed myself for having PCOS, Hashimotos or Endometriosis. I did nothing to have these diseases, and neither did she. She is angry that she didn't go to the doctor sooner, but what would sooner have done? Sooner would have made no difference in her treatment, sooner wouldn't change the outcome...there is no difference between 30 and 33 in the world of reproductive endocrinology....she is not to blame. Let us not forget that she was seeing her OBGYN regularly, and she failed to diagnose her. How could she self-diagnose? It is not her fault.
I felt my heart break for her as she spoke of her Faith, which is still strong right now, hopefully she is not one who wavers in her Faith from this, although, I can guarantee that at some point she will be angry with God if her journey is a long one..I reminded her that it was ok to be angry. It took me back to a place I was just a few short years ago, when I began this journey toward becoming a mother. I remember how ridiculously scared I was. The insecurities I felt and at times I still feel them. My body failed to do the most basic of functions...to reproduce. It didn't matter that I did not drink, smoke or do drugs. It didn't matter that I changed eating habits, charted my temperature, checked my cervical mucus daily, peed on a thousand OPK sticks, took supplements, and put my body through enormous stress with hormones. It didn't matter, none of what I tried yielded me a child. So do I blame myself? No! Am I angry with God? Not anymore. Do I have Faith? I definitely do! Do I have hope? More than ever. But I know that it took me a VERY long time to arrive at the destination of acceptance. A LONG time, lots of medication, therapy and serious soul searching. Time has passed, medications are a thing of the past and therapy has ended(although I kinda believe I need to go back to therapy), soul searching is a continuous process that I take part in daily.
In speaking with my friend, I reminded her of the things she told me. To have Faith and believe that it will happen. She now understands that saying that offers little to no help at all, but I still told her those words. As much as I hated when it was told to me, the truth is, you have to encourage people when they are facing something as painful as infertility but I also told her it was ok to feel the not so great things. That it was more than ok to be angry, bitter, shocked, to make deals with God, to bargain for a baby with Him, to plead, to be jealous and envy women with whom motherhood comes easy and to be sad, oh God, sadness, it is a HUGE component of infertility...these emotions are all normal, they are more than normal, they are OKAY to feel...acknowledge those feelings, feel them for however long you need, as long as you don't stay stuck in them forever.
Talking with her made me realize that I have come so far in all of this. I have this deep understanding of how life doesn't always pan out how you planned, but that you can be happy with a different life, you just make a new plan...sometimes it is a better plan. I have grown tremendously both emotionally and spiritually throughout all of this. I find the silver linings, I look for the good, I try to find the reasons. Sometimes I am successful, other times I am not and you know what? That's okay too.
I like myself as a person today more than I ever liked myself. I have been struggling for what seems like forever with my inability to be happy with who I am physically, and there was a period of time that I did not like who I was as a person either. That person I was while deep in the trenches of depression and anxiety. I was moody, antsy, withdrawn, high strung, too sensitive, defensive, bitter, angry, jealous...and I was gaining weight at rapid speed. I was really fucked up if I may be frank. Now, 5 years later, after the clouds have lifted, after I fought my way back from the depths of the darkness of depression and severe panic, I kind of really love the person I am. I enjoy being happy. I am allowing myself to be happy, and that feels good. I may never like what I look like, I may never be a size 5 again, but I have decided that regardless of all of that, I will love myself, at every size, at every age and in every stage of my life. I can try to fix the things I don't like and accept the things I cannot change. Infertility did this to me.
Say what? How can a disease that has brought me so much pain and sadness, that left me depressed, anxious and fat, also be the disease that left me with gratitude, truth and self acceptance? I can't answer that honestly...I can only say that it forced me to dig deep within myself, to learn who I really am, to not focus on what's broken, but rather to find the good in me, to find what makes me smile, what makes me laugh...to love every moment of my life. Even the shitty days when it seems like the universe is against me.
Infertility is a battle, and you don't only win once you have a baby, you can win long before that..if you let yourself. I won't pretend that any of this is easy, because none of it is, but it also isn't the worst thing in the world. I can promise you that. It surely isn't the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I don't want people to feel bad for us, to feel sorry for us. They shouldn't. We are REALLY happily married, completely fulfilled in our marriage..we are enough for one another, we don't NEED a child, we WANT one..there is a big difference. I wish people would understand that when I share things with them via social media, that I am not looking for pity, sympathy or anything of the sort..I am actually doing it to raise awareness, to stop the silent talks, to be the person who opens up the possibility of dialogue when they find out they are dealing with infertility. They can still be private and gain support from me. That is why I am so vocal about this all. It is also a great way to stop people from asking when you are having kids, although at this point it kind of feels worse that people stopped asking us...did they give up on us? That's ok if they did, as long as we haven't given up on us. :)
At the end of my conversation, I told my friend to not waste time with an OBGYN and move right along to an RE...and of course I totally plugged my RE, because he is quite fantastic and so are his colleagues, and I have 100% belief that they will get her pregnant. I often advocate for anyone I know to use my doctor. Sometimes I wonder if they think to themselves then why am I not pregnant? I do tell them that I have been on a break for a very long time, not actively trying, I was actively preventing while on meds for 3 years and well even though I miscarried, I did get pregnant on the 3rd IUI and the 1st IVF...those are pretty good stats for someone with a myriad of conditions. Right now is the only time that we have not prevented, because right now is the only time I have been completely off medications, and although I know that the probability of a pregnancy on our own is next to nil, I still remain hopeful that it could be a possibility....that is, if C still has some sperm...I am sure that will disappear as time goes on with him having been back on testosterone. I will try IVF again, and again if need be. We will get this right eventually, and if we don't, well then there are other avenues to explore.
Tonight my mother told me I have really changed...and she meant it as a compliment. I am glad that people are finally seeing this, which means I am projecting it, which means I am really feeling it...I could never fake my feelings, I wear my heart on my sleeve, my face is perpetually in a state of expecting the worst, except lately....I have been smiling and laughing a lot more. It's good to be happy. So good.
Thursday, October 30, 2014
Feeling Good
I cannot believe it is already nearing the end of October. I feel as though each of my blog posts are going to be prefaced with an apology about not updating nearly enough. The truth is, my life has been unbelievably busy since my last post. I am not sure if I had mentioned this prior but along with navigating my way through infertility and coming up with a plan as to how and when we will become parents I am also in Grad school, finishing up my Master's degree and becoming certified to teach grades 1-6. In September I was hit with the unexpected news that I needed to pass 2 of my certification exams prior to student teaching and I had 2 weeks to take the exams as the results take 30 days to come back. Needless to say I was extremely nervous but like anything else, I seem to do my best when under pressure. One exam took 4 hours, the other was a little over 2 hours. Having friends who have taken these new exams and failed them multiple times scared me to my core. I knew that without passing these exams I could not student teach, I could not graduate next year and I would not be certified. Delaying graduation meant delaying getting a teaching position, but more importantly it meant delaying yet another cycle of IVF. Something I was NOT willing to accept. I went in and took the exams, fully expecting to fail, but I PASSED! Not one exam but BOTH!
I am also working in my school as a Graduate Assistant and doing fieldwork twice a week at a local elementary school on top of the two courses I am taking twice a week. Busy, busy, busy! But I feel good being this busy..a little overwhelmed but good.
Emotionally I believe I have healed from my recent miscarriage. A lot sooner than expected, and way faster than with our first loss. I went into IVF knowing it wasn't a guarantee, I suspected it would fail or that I would have a chemical pregnancy, but never did I ever expect to need a D&C. How can a body that has for years prevented me from becoming pregnant, a body that did not hold onto a pregnancy, suddenly without any reason just decide that although the pregnancy wasn't healthy and progressing refuse to let go? Why are my body and mind so disconnected when it comes to having a baby? I had emotionally accepted that this pregnancy wasn't going to progress but why was my body so eager to hold on? With our first loss my mind had not accepted the loss and cried so heavily and begged my body not to let go, and yet it did. These are the things I will never understand.
So why am I so okay with this loss? Why am I not devastated? I mean I went through so much more physically this time trying to get pregnant, went through so much more during my short time pregnant and went through so much in the finality of my pregnancy...and yet I am still here, still whole, and still OK. Why was this time different than the last? There can only be one explanation:
I have accepted that this is my journey.
It may seem easy to a lot of people but the truth is, infertility is HARD business. It is emotionally, physically and mentally taxing, but it is survivable, and it is far from the worst thing that could happen to someone. Knowing that is what keeps me grounded, keeps me from feeling sorry for myself, keeps me from wallowing and becoming desolate in my emotions.
Acceptance is not easy. Not nearly as easy as people may think it is. It took me a good solid 5 years to build strength from infertility, to accept that THIS was the hand dealt to my husband and I. Anger, sadness, and a brief period of bitterness swept over me, over us, for a while things were NOT good...good in my marriage yes, but we had some rocky points, I blame myself for those moments...because I was in such a deep and dark place of despair. My husband loved me through all of that and he loves me still, despite my flaws, despite our inability to produce children naturally, he sees me as whole, where at times I feel broken. It is good to be loved that way. So good.
I also love that my husband and I are both on the same page when it comes to family building. Financially our IVF cycles will be covered by his employer. We were granted 3 cycles, of which I am eternally grateful. Had we not had this coverage we would not have done IVF. We would have most certainly moved onto Adoption. In our eyes, there is no difference between biological and adopted children. They are ALL your "own" children and a blessing given to us from God. A miracle in every sense of the word. I believe this also keeps us hopeful and full of certainty that Parenthood is obtainable for us..that somehow we WILL be parents someday. Sooner than later we hope.
In the last 2 months I have managed to lose about 23lbs, which is good considering I had gained 33lbs since last December with all the IVF medications and the Prednisone that I was on. Hopefully by the end of November I will have knocked off that last 10lbs that I gained, and by the end of December be 10lbs less than that, putting me at over 50lbs lost from my heaviest. I have been working hard on losing weight, I have begun a low carb, low fat diet, I need to work on the low fat part because I am not supposed to be eating Dairy yet I keep snacking on cheese and it is definitely NOT a part of my diet protocol. It won't knock me out of ketosis but I am not getting the full benefit of my diet by consuming it so after this weekend trip away where I actually will eat carbs for the first time since August, I will be back into the swing of things much more seriously. I have allotted specific dates in which I will eat without thinking negatively about the effets, and go right back to eating right the following day. I have given myself permission to eat freely on Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve and Christmas. Those are the only 3 days after this trip that I will eat freely before our next IVF. I won't reveal when that will be because it is something I plan on talking about when the time comes and only with a select few people. I need to privatize my life again. The world doesn't need to know when and what I am going through, until I feel ready to disclose that information.
Just know that at this very moment in time, I am doing well and I hope that continues.
Lots of Peace & Love
I am also working in my school as a Graduate Assistant and doing fieldwork twice a week at a local elementary school on top of the two courses I am taking twice a week. Busy, busy, busy! But I feel good being this busy..a little overwhelmed but good.
Emotionally I believe I have healed from my recent miscarriage. A lot sooner than expected, and way faster than with our first loss. I went into IVF knowing it wasn't a guarantee, I suspected it would fail or that I would have a chemical pregnancy, but never did I ever expect to need a D&C. How can a body that has for years prevented me from becoming pregnant, a body that did not hold onto a pregnancy, suddenly without any reason just decide that although the pregnancy wasn't healthy and progressing refuse to let go? Why are my body and mind so disconnected when it comes to having a baby? I had emotionally accepted that this pregnancy wasn't going to progress but why was my body so eager to hold on? With our first loss my mind had not accepted the loss and cried so heavily and begged my body not to let go, and yet it did. These are the things I will never understand.
So why am I so okay with this loss? Why am I not devastated? I mean I went through so much more physically this time trying to get pregnant, went through so much more during my short time pregnant and went through so much in the finality of my pregnancy...and yet I am still here, still whole, and still OK. Why was this time different than the last? There can only be one explanation:
I have accepted that this is my journey.
It may seem easy to a lot of people but the truth is, infertility is HARD business. It is emotionally, physically and mentally taxing, but it is survivable, and it is far from the worst thing that could happen to someone. Knowing that is what keeps me grounded, keeps me from feeling sorry for myself, keeps me from wallowing and becoming desolate in my emotions.
Acceptance is not easy. Not nearly as easy as people may think it is. It took me a good solid 5 years to build strength from infertility, to accept that THIS was the hand dealt to my husband and I. Anger, sadness, and a brief period of bitterness swept over me, over us, for a while things were NOT good...good in my marriage yes, but we had some rocky points, I blame myself for those moments...because I was in such a deep and dark place of despair. My husband loved me through all of that and he loves me still, despite my flaws, despite our inability to produce children naturally, he sees me as whole, where at times I feel broken. It is good to be loved that way. So good.
I also love that my husband and I are both on the same page when it comes to family building. Financially our IVF cycles will be covered by his employer. We were granted 3 cycles, of which I am eternally grateful. Had we not had this coverage we would not have done IVF. We would have most certainly moved onto Adoption. In our eyes, there is no difference between biological and adopted children. They are ALL your "own" children and a blessing given to us from God. A miracle in every sense of the word. I believe this also keeps us hopeful and full of certainty that Parenthood is obtainable for us..that somehow we WILL be parents someday. Sooner than later we hope.
In the last 2 months I have managed to lose about 23lbs, which is good considering I had gained 33lbs since last December with all the IVF medications and the Prednisone that I was on. Hopefully by the end of November I will have knocked off that last 10lbs that I gained, and by the end of December be 10lbs less than that, putting me at over 50lbs lost from my heaviest. I have been working hard on losing weight, I have begun a low carb, low fat diet, I need to work on the low fat part because I am not supposed to be eating Dairy yet I keep snacking on cheese and it is definitely NOT a part of my diet protocol. It won't knock me out of ketosis but I am not getting the full benefit of my diet by consuming it so after this weekend trip away where I actually will eat carbs for the first time since August, I will be back into the swing of things much more seriously. I have allotted specific dates in which I will eat without thinking negatively about the effets, and go right back to eating right the following day. I have given myself permission to eat freely on Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve and Christmas. Those are the only 3 days after this trip that I will eat freely before our next IVF. I won't reveal when that will be because it is something I plan on talking about when the time comes and only with a select few people. I need to privatize my life again. The world doesn't need to know when and what I am going through, until I feel ready to disclose that information.
Just know that at this very moment in time, I am doing well and I hope that continues.
Lots of Peace & Love
Saturday, September 13, 2014
This Week Makes 10 weeks Pregnant...Except I am No Longer Pregnant.
I haven't updated this blog in over a month because so much has happened since the last time I blogged. After my last beta which was 418 I began feeling optimistic. I started believing that I could ACTUALLY be blessed in 9 months with a baby or two and that all of this was worth the shots, the time, the blood draws, the pain, all of it. All 7 years of battling infertility and the last 3 years fighting and winning my battle with depression and anxiety...that all of that was worth it, my blessing was coming and I would be rewarded for my strength and perserverence.
I had cramping since the day before transfer. Over time it got progressively worse. Then all of a sudden I began have INTENSE cramping in my lower abdomen, it was central so the doctors weren't too concerned. Then the pain got even worse. I started being woken up around 5am with cramping. I would make my way to the bathroom and while sitting there I would get the most horrific pains. I began turning white, sweat pouring from my head, mouth dry and I could not feel my legs. They were shaking from the pain. Then suddenly one day I woke up and didn't feel pregnant anymore. My breast tenderness lessened, one day of light spotting, I didn't feel that fullness in my uterus and the cramping during the day stopped, but the ones in the morning were still intense and starting to last longer and longer. They started at 2-5 minutes and then began lasting 10-20 mins. WORST PAIN OF MY LIFE. I hate admitting this but when I was feeling those pains, I wanted more than anything to go back in time and NOT have done IVF. I am still very traumatized by those pains.
The day of the sonogram came and Dr.T was on vacation still and I had an appointment with Dr.D , the one who did my retrieval when Dr.T was on vacation in April. Funny isn't it that Dr.T and my schedule seems to coincide, I based my IVF cycles on my school schedule..Dr.T must be basing his around the same thing! Anyway, she came in and we discussed that I was 6w1d pregnant and that she wants to see a sac with a fetal pole, yolk and if we are lucky we could see the heartbeat but probably wouldn't hear it. I explained to her about my cramping and the spotting and how I just stopped "feeling pregnant". She assured me all of those things are normal. Even the intense cramping, as long as it wasn't on one side and could be from my endometriosis. Most women have relief during pregnancy with their Endo, a select few have very painful pregnancies. I guess I am in that damn small percentage again!
She inserts the transvaginal ultrasound wand (because I am too early to use a standard belly sonogram) and I see her eyes squint, I see she is looking everywhere, I see her move closer to the screen. I hear her say, "hmm" and she continues looking around, moving the wand, deeper, to the side and then removes it and tells me they are going to bring me to another room for a better ultrasound machine. I got dressed, knowing this was NOT good, there was nothing on that screen. Not even a gestational sac. I become worried, possible ectopic pregnancy. My worst fears are coming true. I went to the room where they do the egg retrievals, it has a better machine, much more defines...I lay back down and we begin. Still no sign of a gestational sac. She says she sees something white that seems like it indicated a sac may have been in that area. She sees a tiny little black circle and says that may be the sac and maybe my levels are too low to see. Too low? I was 418 8 days ago, by now my HCG should be over 3200 if it were doubling properly. She took blood and I waited for my beta. It came back at 1413. She said it was too low to show anything on the ultrasound and had me come in the following day for more blood work and ultrasound. Still no sign of anything, but she did think she saw something that may be a collapsed sac. No sign of ectopic, HCG level was 1600 at that point. I had to come in the following Monday again for more bloodwork and optional ultrasound. I chose for the ultrasound because I was starting to get those severe cramps more than once a day. Ultrasound revealed no evidence of either uterine or ectopic. I was diagnosed with Pregnancy in unknown location. HCG was 1815. My levels at this point should have been over 10,000. We scheduled a D&C for the following day to either confirm or rule out a uterine pregnancy. The plan was if there was no pregnancy tissue confirmed with D&C then I would need to take a Methotrexate shot and ectopic would be confirmed although origin unknown.
I arrived the next morning at the office. I sat in the waiting room with my mom and C and just felt so lost. I was emotionally prepared for this, but I hate being put under anesthesia. I was called in and changed into my gown. The anesthesiologist came in and gave me a shot of something to relax me. He said it was similar to xanax, whatever it was, it made me giggle and feel loopy and I very much enjoyed it! He asked me if I have any new medical conditions since last time he saw me. I said, "Yes, I am pregnant, but I won't be after this procedure." He told me he was sorry. He then assured me everything would be fine. He left and I was sitting in the little area alone. Thinking to myself how absurd it is that I am back at my Reproductive Endocrinologist's office, the place I just came to GET pregnant, and here I am, sitting and waiting for a procedure that will make me Unpregnant. I thought about unfair all of this really is. I asked myself, "how could this be MY life?" I have never used drugs, I don't smoke, I don't drink alcohol...I just have all these medical issues and I am fat because of them, and because of them I am sitting in a chair, contemplating all of these things, because of them I feel less like a woman than other women, I feel like I have let down my husband, my mom, myself...and I decided then, right before going in, that my life would be DIFFERENT after this, that I was going to change.
I was escorted to the room where my baby/ies or whatever they were at this point, would be taken from my womb, sent out to a lab to be analyzed and then like that, nothing of them would be remembered by anyone, except me and C. I drifted off to sleep, and then woke up and moved to recovery. I felt no rush to wake up. After my egg retrieval I wanted so bad to be up and head home to relax...not this day. I laid there, I needed the sleep. 30 minutes felt like an eternity. I felt different already. Empty. I've never told anyone that. I have kept a lot of these emotions to myself this time. I don't outwardly mourn these babies. I cry a lot when I am alone. I cry myself to sleep. I apologize to my husband randomly. His heart was broken through all of this. He has assured me that he does not blame me, that none of this is anyone's fault..that it will all be ok and that I am all he will ever need in this life. And that is the very reason I want more than anything to give him something that no one else can. Our baby. THAT is why I did IVF.
My mom cried in the car on the way home which made me feel even worse. I apologized to her for letting her down and that I just don't understand why my body doesn't work right. She told me she was crying FOR me, and how unfair this all was. I nodded. Things could have been much worse, they always can and so I told her that it is ok and there will come a day when all of this will work out. Just right now it wasn't the right time.
The day before my D&C I posted on Facebook thanking my friends who knew for their unwavering support during such a difficult time, I did not specify what happened until many people started asking. I commented "pregnancy loss" and the comments started flying in. People saying they had no idea I was pregnant, that they were sorry, that they could not understand, that their hearts broke for us, that it was unfair, that they had waited for years for us to announce a pregnancy so hearing this was devastating. I mean the support from people was really beautiful. I also learned an old friend lost a daughter of his at 20 weeks gestation, people came forward about miscarriages and I just felt so connected to these people. I didn't feel so hollow, or like I had some sort of leprosy. I don't regret my decision to tell my Facebook friends about our babies and our loss. In a sense, they now know they existed...perhaps most will forget about them, and life goes on and people don't speak of it BUT for a moment in time I got to share my babies with the world, before they were taken from my womb.
So how am I feeling today? It's almost a month since my loss and I am feeling relatively fine. I have moments where I cry. I had quite a bit of anxiety after the D&C which was due to a sudden drop of hormones. I read that often women may feel a touch of post-partum after a miscarriage and I do believe I experienced that. I decided to channel my loss into gains, and to take the negative and turn it into a positive. I called my nutritional coach and set up an appointment. I gained a shit ton of weight during my IVF and FET...33lbs up from December! So I started my diet again. I have lost 3lbs a week for the last 2 weeks. I am hoping to lose more or to remain at 3 a week. I have a goal to lose another 80lbs. I want to reach that before May so we can go on our first away vacation for our 10 year anniversary in March. I am hoping to lose 35lbs more by Christmas. We shall see if that is doable. I truly hope it is! I also started my hopefully final year of Grad school and I even was offered a Graduate Assistant job with my former Professor. I began that this week.
I am hoping we can pursue another round of IVF next Summer. I will have to contact my husband's employer's medical trust fund and see if they are holding to their word of covering 2 more cycles of IVF. I will be calling them in March/April to get the ball rolling for that.
I had cramping since the day before transfer. Over time it got progressively worse. Then all of a sudden I began have INTENSE cramping in my lower abdomen, it was central so the doctors weren't too concerned. Then the pain got even worse. I started being woken up around 5am with cramping. I would make my way to the bathroom and while sitting there I would get the most horrific pains. I began turning white, sweat pouring from my head, mouth dry and I could not feel my legs. They were shaking from the pain. Then suddenly one day I woke up and didn't feel pregnant anymore. My breast tenderness lessened, one day of light spotting, I didn't feel that fullness in my uterus and the cramping during the day stopped, but the ones in the morning were still intense and starting to last longer and longer. They started at 2-5 minutes and then began lasting 10-20 mins. WORST PAIN OF MY LIFE. I hate admitting this but when I was feeling those pains, I wanted more than anything to go back in time and NOT have done IVF. I am still very traumatized by those pains.
The day of the sonogram came and Dr.T was on vacation still and I had an appointment with Dr.D , the one who did my retrieval when Dr.T was on vacation in April. Funny isn't it that Dr.T and my schedule seems to coincide, I based my IVF cycles on my school schedule..Dr.T must be basing his around the same thing! Anyway, she came in and we discussed that I was 6w1d pregnant and that she wants to see a sac with a fetal pole, yolk and if we are lucky we could see the heartbeat but probably wouldn't hear it. I explained to her about my cramping and the spotting and how I just stopped "feeling pregnant". She assured me all of those things are normal. Even the intense cramping, as long as it wasn't on one side and could be from my endometriosis. Most women have relief during pregnancy with their Endo, a select few have very painful pregnancies. I guess I am in that damn small percentage again!
She inserts the transvaginal ultrasound wand (because I am too early to use a standard belly sonogram) and I see her eyes squint, I see she is looking everywhere, I see her move closer to the screen. I hear her say, "hmm" and she continues looking around, moving the wand, deeper, to the side and then removes it and tells me they are going to bring me to another room for a better ultrasound machine. I got dressed, knowing this was NOT good, there was nothing on that screen. Not even a gestational sac. I become worried, possible ectopic pregnancy. My worst fears are coming true. I went to the room where they do the egg retrievals, it has a better machine, much more defines...I lay back down and we begin. Still no sign of a gestational sac. She says she sees something white that seems like it indicated a sac may have been in that area. She sees a tiny little black circle and says that may be the sac and maybe my levels are too low to see. Too low? I was 418 8 days ago, by now my HCG should be over 3200 if it were doubling properly. She took blood and I waited for my beta. It came back at 1413. She said it was too low to show anything on the ultrasound and had me come in the following day for more blood work and ultrasound. Still no sign of anything, but she did think she saw something that may be a collapsed sac. No sign of ectopic, HCG level was 1600 at that point. I had to come in the following Monday again for more bloodwork and optional ultrasound. I chose for the ultrasound because I was starting to get those severe cramps more than once a day. Ultrasound revealed no evidence of either uterine or ectopic. I was diagnosed with Pregnancy in unknown location. HCG was 1815. My levels at this point should have been over 10,000. We scheduled a D&C for the following day to either confirm or rule out a uterine pregnancy. The plan was if there was no pregnancy tissue confirmed with D&C then I would need to take a Methotrexate shot and ectopic would be confirmed although origin unknown.
I arrived the next morning at the office. I sat in the waiting room with my mom and C and just felt so lost. I was emotionally prepared for this, but I hate being put under anesthesia. I was called in and changed into my gown. The anesthesiologist came in and gave me a shot of something to relax me. He said it was similar to xanax, whatever it was, it made me giggle and feel loopy and I very much enjoyed it! He asked me if I have any new medical conditions since last time he saw me. I said, "Yes, I am pregnant, but I won't be after this procedure." He told me he was sorry. He then assured me everything would be fine. He left and I was sitting in the little area alone. Thinking to myself how absurd it is that I am back at my Reproductive Endocrinologist's office, the place I just came to GET pregnant, and here I am, sitting and waiting for a procedure that will make me Unpregnant. I thought about unfair all of this really is. I asked myself, "how could this be MY life?" I have never used drugs, I don't smoke, I don't drink alcohol...I just have all these medical issues and I am fat because of them, and because of them I am sitting in a chair, contemplating all of these things, because of them I feel less like a woman than other women, I feel like I have let down my husband, my mom, myself...and I decided then, right before going in, that my life would be DIFFERENT after this, that I was going to change.
I was escorted to the room where my baby/ies or whatever they were at this point, would be taken from my womb, sent out to a lab to be analyzed and then like that, nothing of them would be remembered by anyone, except me and C. I drifted off to sleep, and then woke up and moved to recovery. I felt no rush to wake up. After my egg retrieval I wanted so bad to be up and head home to relax...not this day. I laid there, I needed the sleep. 30 minutes felt like an eternity. I felt different already. Empty. I've never told anyone that. I have kept a lot of these emotions to myself this time. I don't outwardly mourn these babies. I cry a lot when I am alone. I cry myself to sleep. I apologize to my husband randomly. His heart was broken through all of this. He has assured me that he does not blame me, that none of this is anyone's fault..that it will all be ok and that I am all he will ever need in this life. And that is the very reason I want more than anything to give him something that no one else can. Our baby. THAT is why I did IVF.
My mom cried in the car on the way home which made me feel even worse. I apologized to her for letting her down and that I just don't understand why my body doesn't work right. She told me she was crying FOR me, and how unfair this all was. I nodded. Things could have been much worse, they always can and so I told her that it is ok and there will come a day when all of this will work out. Just right now it wasn't the right time.
The day before my D&C I posted on Facebook thanking my friends who knew for their unwavering support during such a difficult time, I did not specify what happened until many people started asking. I commented "pregnancy loss" and the comments started flying in. People saying they had no idea I was pregnant, that they were sorry, that they could not understand, that their hearts broke for us, that it was unfair, that they had waited for years for us to announce a pregnancy so hearing this was devastating. I mean the support from people was really beautiful. I also learned an old friend lost a daughter of his at 20 weeks gestation, people came forward about miscarriages and I just felt so connected to these people. I didn't feel so hollow, or like I had some sort of leprosy. I don't regret my decision to tell my Facebook friends about our babies and our loss. In a sense, they now know they existed...perhaps most will forget about them, and life goes on and people don't speak of it BUT for a moment in time I got to share my babies with the world, before they were taken from my womb.
So how am I feeling today? It's almost a month since my loss and I am feeling relatively fine. I have moments where I cry. I had quite a bit of anxiety after the D&C which was due to a sudden drop of hormones. I read that often women may feel a touch of post-partum after a miscarriage and I do believe I experienced that. I decided to channel my loss into gains, and to take the negative and turn it into a positive. I called my nutritional coach and set up an appointment. I gained a shit ton of weight during my IVF and FET...33lbs up from December! So I started my diet again. I have lost 3lbs a week for the last 2 weeks. I am hoping to lose more or to remain at 3 a week. I have a goal to lose another 80lbs. I want to reach that before May so we can go on our first away vacation for our 10 year anniversary in March. I am hoping to lose 35lbs more by Christmas. We shall see if that is doable. I truly hope it is! I also started my hopefully final year of Grad school and I even was offered a Graduate Assistant job with my former Professor. I began that this week.
I am hoping we can pursue another round of IVF next Summer. I will have to contact my husband's employer's medical trust fund and see if they are holding to their word of covering 2 more cycles of IVF. I will be calling them in March/April to get the ball rolling for that.
Saturday, August 9, 2014
Beta 3 and Beta 4
I went in for my 3rd beta on Monday August 4th. I had prepared myself for a chemical pregnancy honestly. I got the call while I was in the laundromat that my beta went to 180 and that no more beta's were needed and I am officially pregnant. I had an appointment for my 2nd round of intralipids and was sent my pregnancy calendar for medication etc and to schedule my first OB ultrasound, which is on August 14th.
When I arrived for my intrapids two days later, the nurse asked me if I wanted to do another beta. I was so nervous but said yes. I spent the next 2 hours of my infusion in a state of pure nervousness and dread. I was so scared honestly. At the end of my infusion the nurse came back to tell me that my levels were 418! I started shaking and my pulse was elevated. This is much further than I have ever gotten with a pregnancy and suddenly the realization that this could actually turn out well entered my mind. I saw my RE on my way out and he told me he was very pleased and optimistic for this pregnancy.
Later that night I decided to write to Dr. Sh.er and let him know about my levels. Now he went from feeling like a small chance to saying that things look really good now. I am still holding my breath for Thursday's ultrasound but I can't believe it. I am actually PREGNANT!
When I arrived for my intrapids two days later, the nurse asked me if I wanted to do another beta. I was so nervous but said yes. I spent the next 2 hours of my infusion in a state of pure nervousness and dread. I was so scared honestly. At the end of my infusion the nurse came back to tell me that my levels were 418! I started shaking and my pulse was elevated. This is much further than I have ever gotten with a pregnancy and suddenly the realization that this could actually turn out well entered my mind. I saw my RE on my way out and he told me he was very pleased and optimistic for this pregnancy.
Later that night I decided to write to Dr. Sh.er and let him know about my levels. Now he went from feeling like a small chance to saying that things look really good now. I am still holding my breath for Thursday's ultrasound but I can't believe it. I am actually PREGNANT!
Saturday, August 2, 2014
Results
On July 21st, 2014 we transfered two Grade 2 expanded blastocysts, one was already beginning to hatch. I did acupuncture before the transfer, we grabbed some lunch and then headed to the fertility clinic. I drank 1 liter of water and then with a full bladder prepared for my transfer. Prior to the transfer C and I were sitting in the waiting room and the song "Don't Stop Believing" by Journey came on. It was so perfect and gave me so much hope. I felt it was a sign from my Dad of some sorts.
The transfer went well and was a little strange feeling but all in all, it was a really peaceful experience. They handed me a picture of my embryos and told me that I am officially pregnant until proven otherwise and that this was babies' first picture.
After the transfer I had another acupuncture session and then we drove home. It was a VERY long day and we were emotionally and physically drained. My mom was at our house preparing dinner for us. She stayed over night and took care of me the next day too. I was on bedrest for 2 days and then light duty for the next day after that.
I had promised myself I would NOT POAS but by 7dp5dt, the day before my beta, I just had to test. It was a BFN. I cried. I cried so hard and I felt so guilty that my body had failed us yet again. The next morning I went to Quest to have my beta drawn but on the way home I decided to pick up a cheap HPT and test for the hell of it.
And there it was. A VERY FAINT BFP! I had to wait the entire day for a phone call with the results of my beta. Around 3:30PM the nurse called. My beta came in. It was low. 11. Wow, that was even lower than my first beta when I had a miscarriage at 5w2d. I repeated the beta on 10dp5dt and it doubled to 25. Still low. So that is where I am now. I go in on Monday for another beta which should give us some idea as to where this is heading.
Dr. Sh.er said there is a chance of viable pregnancy but the chance is small. I have been having intense cramping but trying to remain positive. This is not the end of the road for us, and have accepted that this more than likely will end in an early miscarriage as well...but all hope is not lost.
The transfer went well and was a little strange feeling but all in all, it was a really peaceful experience. They handed me a picture of my embryos and told me that I am officially pregnant until proven otherwise and that this was babies' first picture.
I had promised myself I would NOT POAS but by 7dp5dt, the day before my beta, I just had to test. It was a BFN. I cried. I cried so hard and I felt so guilty that my body had failed us yet again. The next morning I went to Quest to have my beta drawn but on the way home I decided to pick up a cheap HPT and test for the hell of it.
And there it was. A VERY FAINT BFP! I had to wait the entire day for a phone call with the results of my beta. Around 3:30PM the nurse called. My beta came in. It was low. 11. Wow, that was even lower than my first beta when I had a miscarriage at 5w2d. I repeated the beta on 10dp5dt and it doubled to 25. Still low. So that is where I am now. I go in on Monday for another beta which should give us some idea as to where this is heading.
Dr. Sh.er said there is a chance of viable pregnancy but the chance is small. I have been having intense cramping but trying to remain positive. This is not the end of the road for us, and have accepted that this more than likely will end in an early miscarriage as well...but all hope is not lost.
Sunday, July 20, 2014
Twas The Night Before Transfer.
I cannot believe the day has arrived. Tomorrow morning we will be leaving our house to venture out to the city to embark on what we hope to be the very first day of our lives as parents. I am sitting here with a million and one emotions and thoughts running through my mind and body. I can't help but think of the last 7 years and what we have been through when we first began TTC. In the beginning we had so much hope, very little fear and much excitement. We had no idea that when we decided on September 18th, 2007 that we were going to try to start a family, that we would be facing the things we have. The countless months that turned in years, the tears that turned into sobs, the worry that turned into extreme anxiety and the sadness that enveloped us both in depression. The years, they have not been kind to our souls, they have beaten us and battered us in ways that we will probably never recover from. I am not the same person I was 7 years ago, my husband is not the same person he was 7 years ago, our marriage is not the same marriage it was 7 years ago. I am stronger, he is stronger, WE are stronger.
Infertility leaves you as a different person. All phases of it change you. In the beginning, you have all this hope, and yes, for the most part it always remains with you, but each year it gets less and less. You aren't being negative, you've just come to a realization that the family you had planned on having may not neccessarily be the family you wind up having, and that's ok...cause there begins a new hope, that this new picture of a new family may be better than your original plan. You start seeing the benefits and adjust your thinking to focus solely on the positives of your new life vision. At least that is what we have tried to do.
We wanted four children. We won't have four children. As we get older we realize our dreams of four children when we first began trying would probably never work out well for our family anyway. So we decided to drop that down to three. Then the years passed, I developed anxiety and slowly started seeing how two could be all I could handle successfully. So we were set on two.
Tonight I type this, knowing full well that I truly mean what I am about to say. We would be completely whole with ONE. Just one beautiful, healthy child to call our own. Tomorrow I am transferring two 5 day blastocysts...as a woman who is nurturing and has a mother's heart, I of course want both of them to stick. Not because I dream of twins, because I don't. I never even entertained the thought of twins until we decided along with our RE to transfer 2, last month. I want both to implant because they are both already my babies. They are the lives C and I created (along with some help obviously) but this is about as close to being parents as we have ever been except for our very early miscarriage 6 years ago.
I am praying both thaw successfully and come to be with me tomorrow afternoon. I pray that both stay, and that in 9 months I meet these miraculous beings. If not, and my cycle fails, I will take comfort in knowing, if even for a few short days, my body carried within me 2 beautiful lives, so very much wanted, that those babies will become a part of me, their souls will run through my veins and bury themselves deep within my heart. These are the thoughts that will get me through the 2ww.
Tonight I will lay my head on my pillow, and it will possibly be the last night I spend with my body alone for the next 9 months. It will possibly be the last night of my life that I am not a mother. There is something unbelievably breath taking about the realization of that possibility.
Tonight I will go to bed as C's wife, as D and C's Doggy Mom but tomorrow I will lay my head on that pillow, with life growing inside me. Life that I pray will become part of our forever family.
Infertility leaves you as a different person. All phases of it change you. In the beginning, you have all this hope, and yes, for the most part it always remains with you, but each year it gets less and less. You aren't being negative, you've just come to a realization that the family you had planned on having may not neccessarily be the family you wind up having, and that's ok...cause there begins a new hope, that this new picture of a new family may be better than your original plan. You start seeing the benefits and adjust your thinking to focus solely on the positives of your new life vision. At least that is what we have tried to do.
We wanted four children. We won't have four children. As we get older we realize our dreams of four children when we first began trying would probably never work out well for our family anyway. So we decided to drop that down to three. Then the years passed, I developed anxiety and slowly started seeing how two could be all I could handle successfully. So we were set on two.
Tonight I type this, knowing full well that I truly mean what I am about to say. We would be completely whole with ONE. Just one beautiful, healthy child to call our own. Tomorrow I am transferring two 5 day blastocysts...as a woman who is nurturing and has a mother's heart, I of course want both of them to stick. Not because I dream of twins, because I don't. I never even entertained the thought of twins until we decided along with our RE to transfer 2, last month. I want both to implant because they are both already my babies. They are the lives C and I created (along with some help obviously) but this is about as close to being parents as we have ever been except for our very early miscarriage 6 years ago.
I am praying both thaw successfully and come to be with me tomorrow afternoon. I pray that both stay, and that in 9 months I meet these miraculous beings. If not, and my cycle fails, I will take comfort in knowing, if even for a few short days, my body carried within me 2 beautiful lives, so very much wanted, that those babies will become a part of me, their souls will run through my veins and bury themselves deep within my heart. These are the thoughts that will get me through the 2ww.
Tonight I will lay my head on my pillow, and it will possibly be the last night I spend with my body alone for the next 9 months. It will possibly be the last night of my life that I am not a mother. There is something unbelievably breath taking about the realization of that possibility.
Tonight I will go to bed as C's wife, as D and C's Doggy Mom but tomorrow I will lay my head on that pillow, with life growing inside me. Life that I pray will become part of our forever family.
Friday, July 18, 2014
3 Days Til Transfer
Wednesday's appointment went well. Dr. T checked my lining and ovaries and everything looked great. No cysts, and my lining measured 13mm which is more than double what it was during the cycle I got pregnant with an IUI. I was and wasn't worried about whether my lining would thicken. It seemed to have build up well during my stimming part of my cycle, which ironically it measured 13mm then too! I am thinking 13 has been my number this IVF/FET. I had 13 eggs removed, and my lining has been 13mm twice. Lucky number 13? I sure hope so!
I went to my acupuncture appointment afterwards and then had to go back to Dr. T's office for my E2V dosage, PIO instructions and updated FET Calendar.
I began my antibiotics, PIO and increased my dosage of E2V dosage. Stopped Lupron and will have to take my last lovenox injection on Saturday.
' MONDAY is my transfer, tonight it is currently 10:30 on Friday night, so my transfer is in 2.5 days! OMG!!!!!
Lord please let this work!
Monday I will have 2 acupuncture sessions, one before transfer and one after. We are driving into the city, I will be on bedrest for 2 days and taking it easy for the rest of the week. Cris took vacation from work to help me out. Mom is coming over Monday night and Tuesday to cook dinner for us. I am so thankful for the both of them. My heart is so full.
I went to my acupuncture appointment afterwards and then had to go back to Dr. T's office for my E2V dosage, PIO instructions and updated FET Calendar.
I began my antibiotics, PIO and increased my dosage of E2V dosage. Stopped Lupron and will have to take my last lovenox injection on Saturday.
' MONDAY is my transfer, tonight it is currently 10:30 on Friday night, so my transfer is in 2.5 days! OMG!!!!!
Lord please let this work!
Monday I will have 2 acupuncture sessions, one before transfer and one after. We are driving into the city, I will be on bedrest for 2 days and taking it easy for the rest of the week. Cris took vacation from work to help me out. Mom is coming over Monday night and Tuesday to cook dinner for us. I am so thankful for the both of them. My heart is so full.
Sunday, July 13, 2014
One Week Before Scheduled Transfer
I am sitting at my desk the night before it is actually 1 week until my scheduled FET. I have a lot of emotions running through me at this present time. I am excited, hopeful, nervous and scared but most of all I am really humbled to be able to experience this. I am also proud of myself for having the courage to face my fears about IVF and to move forward, it has been a very long time since I knew we needed to pursue IVF if we ever wanted to attempt having biological children. I was so drenched in fear that at one point I had written off ever trying to get pregnant and had made plans to pursue domestic adoption. I even contacted several adoption agencies and had packets sent to us. When those packets arrived and I sat with them in my hand, it did not feel like it was the right decision.
Soon after I recieved a letter from my husband's employer, informing us that we were no longer going to have health insurance under Aetna and that we were switching to BCBS. I immediately felt my heart sink into my stomach. I knew something was very wrong with this change and I immediately called to ask if IVF was still covered like under our last plan. It was NOT. I started shaking and crying and I couldn't believe that I had blown our chance at having biological children.
Suddenly I WANTED to do IVF, and I wanted to do it NOW. I stood there crying..with nothing to lose I contacted my husband's employer and asked why they would change insurance in 30 days and leave us without the same coverage when they promised that our coverage would not have changed. They told me the old coverage was not supposed to cover IVF and that if I could bring them the proof that it did that they would authorize to cover 3 cycles of IVF. I save EVERYTHING. So naturally I had all the papers with confirmation codes that showed that coverage for IVF was indeed verified. I was approved for 3 cycles of IVF. I knew that it was now or never and that I could not pass up this opportunity.
I know that this all happened for a reason. Perhaps I would never have had the courage to take the leap and would have waited more years to pass by. Maybe my reaching out and contacting Dr. T years ago was just to secure that I would have coverage for when I was truly ready. It turns out that my husband's employer has covered much more than our original coverage was going to. They had even approved genetic testing, which we decided against last minute.
On March 25th, on my 9th wedding Anniversary, I recieved these in the mail.
This was the beginning of the process. I was completely overwhelmed by the amount of medication, and that box was missing all the medication for the transfer. I recieved that box in June.
I began my FET cycle when I got my period on June 16th. I started with birth control pills and then added Lupron. I went in on Friday, June 27th for a Saline Ultrasound and all was clear. Nothing to worry about. Once I got my period on July 1st, I went in for a baseline ultrasound. My lining was 6mm and there were no cysts. However, I told Dr. T that my legs have been swollen. He checked them out and was concerned so he sent me for a doppler of my legs to rule out blood clots before we could move forward. So I hailed a cab and headed Uptown. After a grueling 30 minutes of being completely grossed out and covered in ultrasound gel while in my underwear with a huge pad on (I had my period!) I had to clean up and then sit in the waiting room waiting for results. I didn't think I could ever feel more weird than having a transvaginal ultrasound while menstruating, but trust me, having a doppler of your legs done while on your period, laying with your legs spread open while a complete stranger rubs gel up and down your legs is maybe just one step above a date with wandy. I always apologize to Dr. T when he has to perform a transvaginal ultrasound during my period. I mean, what a shitty position for him to be in. He always tells me not to apologize and that it is his job to do this, but I just can't even look at him without wanting to tell him how incredibly sorry I am that he has to endure this...I have PCOS and Endometriosis..my periods are far from light. In fact I am willing to bet there was less blood shed during the Revolutionary War. I have been tempted to ask him to tell me the grossest, most awkward and embarassing moments being an RE so that I could feel a little bit better about myself during our encounters, but I am not trying to torture the poor guy into rehashing shit that he probably wishes he could unsee.
This also reminds me of the time that I confessed to Dr. D that I was worried about being under anesthesia. I was afraid I wouldn't wake up but equally as afraid that I would have no control and fart during my retrieval while asleep. I asked Dr. D after my egg retrieval if I farted. I am pretty sure she wanted to laugh right in my face. But I was really worried about that! She told me that I didn't but I highly doubt she would tell me the truth especially since she knew how nervous I was about that. I think at that moment I was REALLY glad that Dr. T didn't do my retrieval because I have to see him for other appointments, with her, it was more like, well if I farted I don't have to look at her again or conversate..unless I see her in the office and would I always be the patient who totally ripped one during her retrieval? I bet I did and she's just really great with being all nonchalant. She did tell me that it does happen! Great..I bet that was a hint that I totally fucking farted during my retrieval. I wonder if REs talk about these things? I probably would, if I was one..."I did 4 retrievals today, only one patient farted, today was a good day" I mean that's how it would roll in my office.
Anyway, while waiting for my results from the doppler, some really cute petite woman was sitting on the phone trying to get a prescription faxed over for an ultrasound. She was quiet and polite and I felt terrible for her as she kept saying she was in pain. After about 15 minutes, this tiny little woman sitting next to me jumped to her feet and breathed fire into the phone. Suddenly she was roaring at whomever was on the phone. I could not believe that this little lady had the vocabulary that she did. Dressed in a floral summer dress and flip flops, very soft make up, she looked like quite the delicate flower. But hell hath no fury like a woman with kidney stones. Her voice went from 4 volume to 23 volume as she told the receptionist "I am not sure how fucking incompetant you are but how mother fucking hard is it to get this goddamn fucking prescription faxed over. I am in a shit ton of pain and you BETTER send over the fucking prescription NOW you hear me?!" Well now...suddenly I felt half the size of this mighty mouse and I just couldn't wait to get the hell out of there before she started flinging chairs as if we were on the Jerry Springer set. 5 minutes later I was told I had no clots and I emailed Dr. T and let him know and I left. I didn't see or read anything in the news about a homicidal woman with kidney stones, so I think it is safe to assume that she got her prescription.
So I got the go ahead from my nurse Leslie, who really is so sweet and I still feel like shit for being a bit snarky with her in the beginning when I was confused about my cycle. I will bring her chocolates or something on the day of my transfer or beta. I hope she is not diabetic cause well how shitty would that look? And let's be honest, at this rate I would probably eat them on the way over there from stress. I will have to think of something!
I started Femara that night (part of their FET protocol) yeah I know, I was totally shocked by this too. So of course I did what any neurotic Grad student who happens to also be infertile and recovered from Generalized Anxiety (quit laughing) would do...I googled the shit out of Letrozole and FET...results were good. Thumbs up to Dr. T for using this approach. I am convinced at this point we are throwing everything but the kitchen sink into this cycle...the wand is enough..no kitchen sink needed!
I also began Estradoil Valerate injections..Intramuscular. Leslie told me these would hurt..BAD. She said she doesn't sugar coat things, which she doesn't. I drew out the E2V and loaded up my syringe.
The needle to draw it out is thicker than the needle you use to inject it. I changed the needle, capped it and then iced my area.
I kept thinking about what Leslie said at the appointment that day. That this shit was going to be painful..that many patients cannot even handle it. She had my heart palpilating hearing those words in my head as my husband alcohol swabbed the area and then unwillingly approached my buttocks/hip area with a 50 foot needle.
I thought C would enjoy doing this. It could have been payback for my mood swings, short temper and lack of patience..but my sweet C was so upset he had to even do this. He really loves me. I am truly blessed to have him. REALLY BLESSED. My husband doesn't want to shoot me. That's a good thing!
C took a few breaths, he made the sounds that women do at lamaze class. Really dude? You are giving me an injection, not birthing a child..although, at this very moment, I think we both would have opted for that scenario instead. He finally was able to gain some confidence, he counted and said he would inject on the count of 3. I stopped him from counting. I asked him if we could go on the bed cause I needed to be able to bury my face in my pillow. We moved to the bedroom and I bent over the side of our bed. Great, I am bending over my bed, ass out and my husband is standing behind me...on another night this would spell fun, tonight it was torture..and not the 50 Shades of Grey kind either! He started counting again and I told him to count to himself because I didn't want to know it was coming...so he counted to himself and then I guess on 3 he shouted "Go!" anyway and jabbed me. He asked if it hurt and it didn't. He drew back, no blood, great..and he began injecting. I was laying there wondering when this was going to start hurting. "Is it in yet?" "Are you still in?" "Are you finished?" "Leslie said it was supposed to hurt, I need to email Leslie, I don't think you hit the spot..shit!" He kept assuring that he hit the spot and that my ass was one giant muscle. Thanks Bud! Under no circumstances should you EVER tell your swollen, hormonal, bent over, ass in the air wife that her ass was a "GIANT" muscle...I emailed Leslie, she said to see what happens next time. Next time it still didn't hurt. At this point I am sure Leslie was tired of reading emails about how much ass did not hurt. I made sure not to make the subject of the email "My Ass" because I didn't want it automatically sent to spam as porn. Leslie needed to read my email...I needed to know..she said to keep waiting. So I did.
On Friday July 11th I went in for my first E2 level and for my first round of intralipids.
The intralipids took almost 2 hours. It wasn't too bad. I did not feel anything during or after. I was bored though. REALLY bored. After my infusion was finished Leslie came to tell me that my E2V injection dosage needed to be increased because I my estrogen levels were only 220. Well at least we know I am getting my shots in. I told her that it still doesn't hurt and that maybe it is because I iced it long? She told me to try not icing it and see what happens. What?! Sure, okay no problem..I will intentionally try to cause myself pain. The next day it was time for my shot again. I increased the dose and I sure did ICE my area. There was no way I was going to do this without ice! So anyway C is becoming a pro at this. He's got this whole Intramuscular Injection swagger going on...well at least he did..until last night!
C must have hit a blood vessel on the way out...I am on blood thinners...want to guess what happened?
Yep! Blood started spurting everywhere out of this tiny little hole in my ass/hip. C totally freaked out..lost all composure and I felt the blood dripping and hitting my leg and on the floor. Poor guy...he was so scared. He kept screaming, "It's the Lovenox! It's not my fault!" He totally needed to chill the fuck out! I applied pressure and asked him to grab me the band aids that I bought earlier that day. What a foreshadowing that was! They had either Hello Kitty or Mickey Mouse...I opted for Hello Kitty...C asked if I thought about what would happen if he needed a band aid too and all that we had was Hello Kitty...I wasn't really thinking of him when I bought them..I was thinking of how cute my ass would look with a Hello Kitty band aid on it, if I needed it.
I was tempted to email Leslie, but I refrained. The subject of the email would have been, "Tonight my ass hurts! Mission accomplished!" but really? what would she have replied? "Congratulations"? I kept the victory to myself and I shared it with C too. It was a special moment we shared. I then decided to fuck with him and tell him I was mad that he slaughtered me tonight. He got so upset. LOL...it is good to see that through this all I have been able to maintain my sense of humor.
Will update after Wednesday!
Soon after I recieved a letter from my husband's employer, informing us that we were no longer going to have health insurance under Aetna and that we were switching to BCBS. I immediately felt my heart sink into my stomach. I knew something was very wrong with this change and I immediately called to ask if IVF was still covered like under our last plan. It was NOT. I started shaking and crying and I couldn't believe that I had blown our chance at having biological children.
Suddenly I WANTED to do IVF, and I wanted to do it NOW. I stood there crying..with nothing to lose I contacted my husband's employer and asked why they would change insurance in 30 days and leave us without the same coverage when they promised that our coverage would not have changed. They told me the old coverage was not supposed to cover IVF and that if I could bring them the proof that it did that they would authorize to cover 3 cycles of IVF. I save EVERYTHING. So naturally I had all the papers with confirmation codes that showed that coverage for IVF was indeed verified. I was approved for 3 cycles of IVF. I knew that it was now or never and that I could not pass up this opportunity.
I know that this all happened for a reason. Perhaps I would never have had the courage to take the leap and would have waited more years to pass by. Maybe my reaching out and contacting Dr. T years ago was just to secure that I would have coverage for when I was truly ready. It turns out that my husband's employer has covered much more than our original coverage was going to. They had even approved genetic testing, which we decided against last minute.
On March 25th, on my 9th wedding Anniversary, I recieved these in the mail.
I began my FET cycle when I got my period on June 16th. I started with birth control pills and then added Lupron. I went in on Friday, June 27th for a Saline Ultrasound and all was clear. Nothing to worry about. Once I got my period on July 1st, I went in for a baseline ultrasound. My lining was 6mm and there were no cysts. However, I told Dr. T that my legs have been swollen. He checked them out and was concerned so he sent me for a doppler of my legs to rule out blood clots before we could move forward. So I hailed a cab and headed Uptown. After a grueling 30 minutes of being completely grossed out and covered in ultrasound gel while in my underwear with a huge pad on (I had my period!) I had to clean up and then sit in the waiting room waiting for results. I didn't think I could ever feel more weird than having a transvaginal ultrasound while menstruating, but trust me, having a doppler of your legs done while on your period, laying with your legs spread open while a complete stranger rubs gel up and down your legs is maybe just one step above a date with wandy. I always apologize to Dr. T when he has to perform a transvaginal ultrasound during my period. I mean, what a shitty position for him to be in. He always tells me not to apologize and that it is his job to do this, but I just can't even look at him without wanting to tell him how incredibly sorry I am that he has to endure this...I have PCOS and Endometriosis..my periods are far from light. In fact I am willing to bet there was less blood shed during the Revolutionary War. I have been tempted to ask him to tell me the grossest, most awkward and embarassing moments being an RE so that I could feel a little bit better about myself during our encounters, but I am not trying to torture the poor guy into rehashing shit that he probably wishes he could unsee.
This also reminds me of the time that I confessed to Dr. D that I was worried about being under anesthesia. I was afraid I wouldn't wake up but equally as afraid that I would have no control and fart during my retrieval while asleep. I asked Dr. D after my egg retrieval if I farted. I am pretty sure she wanted to laugh right in my face. But I was really worried about that! She told me that I didn't but I highly doubt she would tell me the truth especially since she knew how nervous I was about that. I think at that moment I was REALLY glad that Dr. T didn't do my retrieval because I have to see him for other appointments, with her, it was more like, well if I farted I don't have to look at her again or conversate..unless I see her in the office and would I always be the patient who totally ripped one during her retrieval? I bet I did and she's just really great with being all nonchalant. She did tell me that it does happen! Great..I bet that was a hint that I totally fucking farted during my retrieval. I wonder if REs talk about these things? I probably would, if I was one..."I did 4 retrievals today, only one patient farted, today was a good day" I mean that's how it would roll in my office.
Anyway, while waiting for my results from the doppler, some really cute petite woman was sitting on the phone trying to get a prescription faxed over for an ultrasound. She was quiet and polite and I felt terrible for her as she kept saying she was in pain. After about 15 minutes, this tiny little woman sitting next to me jumped to her feet and breathed fire into the phone. Suddenly she was roaring at whomever was on the phone. I could not believe that this little lady had the vocabulary that she did. Dressed in a floral summer dress and flip flops, very soft make up, she looked like quite the delicate flower. But hell hath no fury like a woman with kidney stones. Her voice went from 4 volume to 23 volume as she told the receptionist "I am not sure how fucking incompetant you are but how mother fucking hard is it to get this goddamn fucking prescription faxed over. I am in a shit ton of pain and you BETTER send over the fucking prescription NOW you hear me?!" Well now...suddenly I felt half the size of this mighty mouse and I just couldn't wait to get the hell out of there before she started flinging chairs as if we were on the Jerry Springer set. 5 minutes later I was told I had no clots and I emailed Dr. T and let him know and I left. I didn't see or read anything in the news about a homicidal woman with kidney stones, so I think it is safe to assume that she got her prescription.
So I got the go ahead from my nurse Leslie, who really is so sweet and I still feel like shit for being a bit snarky with her in the beginning when I was confused about my cycle. I will bring her chocolates or something on the day of my transfer or beta. I hope she is not diabetic cause well how shitty would that look? And let's be honest, at this rate I would probably eat them on the way over there from stress. I will have to think of something!
I started Femara that night (part of their FET protocol) yeah I know, I was totally shocked by this too. So of course I did what any neurotic Grad student who happens to also be infertile and recovered from Generalized Anxiety (quit laughing) would do...I googled the shit out of Letrozole and FET...results were good. Thumbs up to Dr. T for using this approach. I am convinced at this point we are throwing everything but the kitchen sink into this cycle...the wand is enough..no kitchen sink needed!
I also began Estradoil Valerate injections..Intramuscular. Leslie told me these would hurt..BAD. She said she doesn't sugar coat things, which she doesn't. I drew out the E2V and loaded up my syringe.
On Friday July 11th I went in for my first E2 level and for my first round of intralipids.
I was tempted to email Leslie, but I refrained. The subject of the email would have been, "Tonight my ass hurts! Mission accomplished!" but really? what would she have replied? "Congratulations"? I kept the victory to myself and I shared it with C too. It was a special moment we shared. I then decided to fuck with him and tell him I was mad that he slaughtered me tonight. He got so upset. LOL...it is good to see that through this all I have been able to maintain my sense of humor.
Will update after Wednesday!
Friday, June 27, 2014
Update
I used to be so good at blogging but it seems this time around I am really laid back, often forgetful and not knowing what to say.
I had my retrieval and it didn't go as expected. In fact for someone with PCOS I am a little surprised at my outcome. I had 13 eggs removed (Seems much less than most women with PCOS) and only 8 were mature. 6 fertilized with ICSI. On day 3 all 6 were growing beautifully. 4 were 8 cell and 2 were 7 cell. When we recieved the call on Day 7 regarding how many were frozen we learned only 2 made it to blastocyst stage and are frozen. They are grade 2, which Dr. T says is what most babies they make are made from.
We decided to forego the CGH testing because it was not cost effective to only test 2 embryos. We made this decision though before we knew there were only 2, we made it knowing we had 6 but knew in our hearts all 6 wouldnt make it. Call it intuition if you will. I don't regret our decision to forego the CGH testing, and we decided since we did not test them that we will transfer both next month.
Right now I am in the middle of prepping for my FET. I had my SIS today and it was a little painful. I am on a pretty medicated FET. I just finished my BCP last night, I am currently on 10mg of Prednisone and 10 units of Lupron daily. Next week I begin E2V IM shots, Femara 5mg, Lovenox 30mg , Lupron and the Prednisone. I am also on Metanx.
The Prednisone is due to my Autoimmune disease, Hashimotos and will help prevent my body from attacking any embryos trying to implant. The Lovenox is to prevent any blood clots due to my clotting disorders and Metanx is for my MTHFR so my body gets the right amounts of Folic Acid.
I will begin Intralipid Infusions on July 11th. The following week I suspect I will start Progesterone..Transfer is scheduled for July 21st and my beta I believe is July 30th, the 7 year anniversary of my father's death. My baby/ies will be due April 8th if this works..my Dad's birthday is April 4th, and I think it would be really something if I found out I was pregnant on the same day of his death and had my babies on his Birthday.
July is such a painful month for us as a couple and hoping that God is going to give us a blessing to change that and make July a joyous month.
I had my retrieval and it didn't go as expected. In fact for someone with PCOS I am a little surprised at my outcome. I had 13 eggs removed (Seems much less than most women with PCOS) and only 8 were mature. 6 fertilized with ICSI. On day 3 all 6 were growing beautifully. 4 were 8 cell and 2 were 7 cell. When we recieved the call on Day 7 regarding how many were frozen we learned only 2 made it to blastocyst stage and are frozen. They are grade 2, which Dr. T says is what most babies they make are made from.
We decided to forego the CGH testing because it was not cost effective to only test 2 embryos. We made this decision though before we knew there were only 2, we made it knowing we had 6 but knew in our hearts all 6 wouldnt make it. Call it intuition if you will. I don't regret our decision to forego the CGH testing, and we decided since we did not test them that we will transfer both next month.
Right now I am in the middle of prepping for my FET. I had my SIS today and it was a little painful. I am on a pretty medicated FET. I just finished my BCP last night, I am currently on 10mg of Prednisone and 10 units of Lupron daily. Next week I begin E2V IM shots, Femara 5mg, Lovenox 30mg , Lupron and the Prednisone. I am also on Metanx.
The Prednisone is due to my Autoimmune disease, Hashimotos and will help prevent my body from attacking any embryos trying to implant. The Lovenox is to prevent any blood clots due to my clotting disorders and Metanx is for my MTHFR so my body gets the right amounts of Folic Acid.
I will begin Intralipid Infusions on July 11th. The following week I suspect I will start Progesterone..Transfer is scheduled for July 21st and my beta I believe is July 30th, the 7 year anniversary of my father's death. My baby/ies will be due April 8th if this works..my Dad's birthday is April 4th, and I think it would be really something if I found out I was pregnant on the same day of his death and had my babies on his Birthday.
July is such a painful month for us as a couple and hoping that God is going to give us a blessing to change that and make July a joyous month.
Monday, April 7, 2014
Cycle Update
I really need to try to get better at staying on top of my blog. I promised myself that I would be really diligent with documenting my IVF experience and well I am already done with BCP, Lupron and onto Ganirelix and I realize I haven't even posted about that.
Today I had my baseline Ultrasound and bloodwork. I am so happy to say that I don't have any cysts and my bloodwork looks great and so I am to follow the calendar as it was written. Except today my calendar was tweaked a little in order to avoid the possibility of having my Egg Retrieval on Easter Sunday and risking the chance of Dr. T not being the one doing the retrieval. Now don't get me wrong, I believe that Dr. W and Dr. B are great doctors, but Dr. T is MY doctor and over the course of four years, I have become quite attached to the idea that HE would be the one who did my retrieval and transfer. He understood that without me even having to say that, when I asked if he would be there on Easter if I were to need to have my ER then. Without hesitation he changed my calendar. So I am starting stims on Saturday and not on Thursday and it completely eliminates any possibility of my retrieval not being done by him. Crisis averted!
I did not have any side effects from Lupron, except that I look pregnant and I am up about 5lbs. I also have AF so, maybe that is it, but I am not stressing this anymore.
I have had 3 sessions of acupuncture and can I say how much I love it? We did our bloodwork for the CGH testing and filled out all of our paperwork and consents. I guess all that is left now is stimming, my retrieval, test results and a transfer some time in June. I truly hope that this cycle is successful and I am trying so hard not to get upset if it doesn't. A friend and I were emailing eachother back and forth about how wonderful Dr. T is, and I wanted to share with you all, what I wrote to her.
"Honestly ---- I am always left speechless by him. It makes me sad to know that one day I will have to say goodbye to him when this journey is over.. Be it through pregnancy or having to walk away from trying. I don't think I'm ready for either. I hope though that after pregnancy he will treat me to help me regain some sort of normalcy with my cycles. I'm going to really try to focus on getting pcos in remission after all of this. Right now I am really focused on having a baby. I realized that while yes I want a child and I could probably wait..I have a husband and a mom who are waiting long enough. My mom has had such a crappy life and I know giving her a grandchild sooner rather than later just gives her more years to enjoy. It isn't fair to my husband or to her and even to myself to keep holding off because of weight. As if there's no way to lose weight after. In fact I don't know but I feel like maybe getting pregnant may fix a lot of my issues and that weight will be easier to lose after.
I am really hoping to breast feed and that alone will keep me from eating shitty food. I will also be more active as there is no such thing as laying around for hours when you're a mom
Sometimes I'm so afraid to say that life is going to be filled with so much goodness because I'm afraid that will jinx everything. I haven't fully figured out why I believe that I can't have what everyone else has. I'm always waiting for the next shoe to drop. I guess I got so used to it raining and pouring that any glimpse of sunshine makes me feel a sun shower is imminent.
I'm a lot calmer about this IVF than I thought I'd be. Maybe something inside me knows that its gonna be OK? Or that there's nothing I can do to change any outcomes so I need to just be willing to receive my blessings or accept my defeats. Either way I am trying really hard not to take it personal as if there is any blame to place on myself if this doesn't work. I'm infertile and I don't think I did anything to cause it. But there is a certain finality in IVF that makes it the last stop in the possibilities of having a biological child. When I went into this I said I don't think I'd ever do this more than once...now I can't imagine not doing it until it works. Funny how things change. The needles arent nearly as intimidating as I thought they would be...ask me that again when it is time for PIO though. Lol.
I'm just ready for life to bring more good than bad. I'm so thankful to have C as my husband and so grateful that mom is in remission. Those alone are two things I consider that make me richer than I could have dreamed to be. I just hope that I get to see my husband's face in my child someday...and maybe the insurance forcing me to do this now is exactly what I needed to see that."
So yeah, IVF is turning out to be a lot less scary than I thought it would be. I still worry tremendously about OHSS, but I think I have comes to grips with that fear. All I can do is hope for the best in all of this. I can't wait to see how many beautiful embies I make, I am already attached to the idea of them becoming my child/dren.
I will say, it is pretty surreal that *I* am ACTUALLY doing this.
Today I had my baseline Ultrasound and bloodwork. I am so happy to say that I don't have any cysts and my bloodwork looks great and so I am to follow the calendar as it was written. Except today my calendar was tweaked a little in order to avoid the possibility of having my Egg Retrieval on Easter Sunday and risking the chance of Dr. T not being the one doing the retrieval. Now don't get me wrong, I believe that Dr. W and Dr. B are great doctors, but Dr. T is MY doctor and over the course of four years, I have become quite attached to the idea that HE would be the one who did my retrieval and transfer. He understood that without me even having to say that, when I asked if he would be there on Easter if I were to need to have my ER then. Without hesitation he changed my calendar. So I am starting stims on Saturday and not on Thursday and it completely eliminates any possibility of my retrieval not being done by him. Crisis averted!
I did not have any side effects from Lupron, except that I look pregnant and I am up about 5lbs. I also have AF so, maybe that is it, but I am not stressing this anymore.
I have had 3 sessions of acupuncture and can I say how much I love it? We did our bloodwork for the CGH testing and filled out all of our paperwork and consents. I guess all that is left now is stimming, my retrieval, test results and a transfer some time in June. I truly hope that this cycle is successful and I am trying so hard not to get upset if it doesn't. A friend and I were emailing eachother back and forth about how wonderful Dr. T is, and I wanted to share with you all, what I wrote to her.
"Honestly ---- I am always left speechless by him. It makes me sad to know that one day I will have to say goodbye to him when this journey is over.. Be it through pregnancy or having to walk away from trying. I don't think I'm ready for either. I hope though that after pregnancy he will treat me to help me regain some sort of normalcy with my cycles. I'm going to really try to focus on getting pcos in remission after all of this. Right now I am really focused on having a baby. I realized that while yes I want a child and I could probably wait..I have a husband and a mom who are waiting long enough. My mom has had such a crappy life and I know giving her a grandchild sooner rather than later just gives her more years to enjoy. It isn't fair to my husband or to her and even to myself to keep holding off because of weight. As if there's no way to lose weight after. In fact I don't know but I feel like maybe getting pregnant may fix a lot of my issues and that weight will be easier to lose after.
I am really hoping to breast feed and that alone will keep me from eating shitty food. I will also be more active as there is no such thing as laying around for hours when you're a mom
Sometimes I'm so afraid to say that life is going to be filled with so much goodness because I'm afraid that will jinx everything. I haven't fully figured out why I believe that I can't have what everyone else has. I'm always waiting for the next shoe to drop. I guess I got so used to it raining and pouring that any glimpse of sunshine makes me feel a sun shower is imminent.
I'm a lot calmer about this IVF than I thought I'd be. Maybe something inside me knows that its gonna be OK? Or that there's nothing I can do to change any outcomes so I need to just be willing to receive my blessings or accept my defeats. Either way I am trying really hard not to take it personal as if there is any blame to place on myself if this doesn't work. I'm infertile and I don't think I did anything to cause it. But there is a certain finality in IVF that makes it the last stop in the possibilities of having a biological child. When I went into this I said I don't think I'd ever do this more than once...now I can't imagine not doing it until it works. Funny how things change. The needles arent nearly as intimidating as I thought they would be...ask me that again when it is time for PIO though. Lol.
I'm just ready for life to bring more good than bad. I'm so thankful to have C as my husband and so grateful that mom is in remission. Those alone are two things I consider that make me richer than I could have dreamed to be. I just hope that I get to see my husband's face in my child someday...and maybe the insurance forcing me to do this now is exactly what I needed to see that."
So yeah, IVF is turning out to be a lot less scary than I thought it would be. I still worry tremendously about OHSS, but I think I have comes to grips with that fear. All I can do is hope for the best in all of this. I can't wait to see how many beautiful embies I make, I am already attached to the idea of them becoming my child/dren.
I will say, it is pretty surreal that *I* am ACTUALLY doing this.
Friday, March 14, 2014
Update
I feel terrible that I haven't updated my blog in a while and so much has happened since I last posted.
Happy News:
For starters my Mom had her 16 month check up for bladder cancer and I am SO HAPPY to announce that there was no visible cancer found. We are just waiting on cytology reports next week and will celebrate her being 16 months cancer free!!
We have begun the process towards IVF, and we have taken our blood work for cystic Fibrosis, Fragile X and Infectious disease panels and according to the RE, all of our bloodwork came back normal. Except for my thyroid, so he upped my medication. Speaking of medication, I am COMPLETELY off any type of medication for depression and anxiety. I have been off antidepressants for 2 years and 5 months, off one of my anti anxiety medications for 7 months and the final anxiety medication, took me months to wean off but I am completely off that as well, for over a month now.
I won't lie and say that at times I don't feel anxiety creep back in, but I have been able to talk myself through it. I am so thankful that the medication was there when I needed it, but thankful even more that I no longer need it.
I had lost 43lbs, but gained back 15, lost 5, so I am still up 10 but currently working on getting that off plus an additional 15-20lbs before we transfer, God willing.
On a more tragic and somber topic:
One of the men who kidnapped and murdered my childhood best friend stood trial last month and was found guilty. The jury had decided that he should face the death penalty. I agree. He has a Spencer hearing on the 27th, where he can basically plead for life in prison instead of death, but considering he escaped prison (where he was serving 30 years for killing someone else) I think the judge will laugh at it and sentence him to death. The other two are awaiting trial. One begins in June. Please keep Vincent's friends and family in your prayers as they have had to relive this nightmare over and over. The loss of Vince was incredible and everyone who knew him feels a deep ache in his absence. I know that he is with me at times, because I feel his presence around me. I don't question for a second that he is watching over my Mom. I love and miss him dearly. I wish so much that he could have experienced all the things he dreamed about in life. It pains me when I hear about how much he wanted to get married and have children. His wife would have been one of the lucky ones, and his children would have had a father who was not only funny, charismatic but also a genius. (He was the smartest person I ever knew, even at 8! His friends later on in life concur that his intelligence was unmatched!)He was robbed of life, a life that had such an impact on so many people and would have certainly changed the world, had he had the opportunity to do so. I have promised to try to live my life and take chances, chances that he will never have, in honor of him.
And to change the direction from a life taken to a life created:
My coordination appointment for IVF is on Monday, St. Patrick's Day, which happens to be Vince's favorite holiday. There are so many signs that he is with me that I cannot ignore. I truly hope that he watches over me during all of this, along with my Dad and Grandpa.
Happy News:
For starters my Mom had her 16 month check up for bladder cancer and I am SO HAPPY to announce that there was no visible cancer found. We are just waiting on cytology reports next week and will celebrate her being 16 months cancer free!!
We have begun the process towards IVF, and we have taken our blood work for cystic Fibrosis, Fragile X and Infectious disease panels and according to the RE, all of our bloodwork came back normal. Except for my thyroid, so he upped my medication. Speaking of medication, I am COMPLETELY off any type of medication for depression and anxiety. I have been off antidepressants for 2 years and 5 months, off one of my anti anxiety medications for 7 months and the final anxiety medication, took me months to wean off but I am completely off that as well, for over a month now.
I won't lie and say that at times I don't feel anxiety creep back in, but I have been able to talk myself through it. I am so thankful that the medication was there when I needed it, but thankful even more that I no longer need it.
I had lost 43lbs, but gained back 15, lost 5, so I am still up 10 but currently working on getting that off plus an additional 15-20lbs before we transfer, God willing.
On a more tragic and somber topic:
One of the men who kidnapped and murdered my childhood best friend stood trial last month and was found guilty. The jury had decided that he should face the death penalty. I agree. He has a Spencer hearing on the 27th, where he can basically plead for life in prison instead of death, but considering he escaped prison (where he was serving 30 years for killing someone else) I think the judge will laugh at it and sentence him to death. The other two are awaiting trial. One begins in June. Please keep Vincent's friends and family in your prayers as they have had to relive this nightmare over and over. The loss of Vince was incredible and everyone who knew him feels a deep ache in his absence. I know that he is with me at times, because I feel his presence around me. I don't question for a second that he is watching over my Mom. I love and miss him dearly. I wish so much that he could have experienced all the things he dreamed about in life. It pains me when I hear about how much he wanted to get married and have children. His wife would have been one of the lucky ones, and his children would have had a father who was not only funny, charismatic but also a genius. (He was the smartest person I ever knew, even at 8! His friends later on in life concur that his intelligence was unmatched!)He was robbed of life, a life that had such an impact on so many people and would have certainly changed the world, had he had the opportunity to do so. I have promised to try to live my life and take chances, chances that he will never have, in honor of him.
And to change the direction from a life taken to a life created:
My coordination appointment for IVF is on Monday, St. Patrick's Day, which happens to be Vince's favorite holiday. There are so many signs that he is with me that I cannot ignore. I truly hope that he watches over me during all of this, along with my Dad and Grandpa.
Friday, January 24, 2014
Results
I know I said this blog wouldn't focus solely on infertility, but alas, that seems to be the trajectory that it is taking.
Today we had our repeat semen analysis and our very first actual "IVF CONSULT", hello! Can you believe that I actually made it to the point where we are sitting in the REs office, we are having a conversation about MY IVF, MY cycle, ME, MINE, OURS, it is REALLY happening this time.
In case you are new to my blog and don't know me, or the background. We began TTC in September of 2007. In September of 2008 we got pregnant with clomid and IUI and I miscarried shortly after that. Throughout this journey there have been LOTS of obstacles and hurdles. My Dad died right before we began trying, in fact his death is what propelled us into starting a family. The year after right before our first IUI, Cris' best friend died in a freak accident. He drowned. That has had an enormous effect on my husband, on myself and on our marriage. It has definitely strengthened our bond, but it has destroyed other aspects of our life. Like the ability to not worry about losing people at a young age etc. I developed panic attacks the following September and severe depression and battled that for a good 3 years. More loss, and then the subsequent diagnosis of my Mom having bladder cancer took us by surprise. Lots of things piling up on one's plate makes it virtually impossible to embark on an emotional ride such as IVF..But as of December of 2013 Mom made 1 year cancer free, I am off antidepressants for 2 years now, and off anxiety medications, currently weaning off the last of my medication and we can finally make plans of moving forward....2014 I am willing that will make 2 years that Mom is cancer free and I am going to make her a grandma in 2015.
Now for the positive news. My sweet darling husband has sperm again! 28 million per cc to be exact. We have the sperm and the eggs and now we are going to make some babies!!
Keep us in your prayers. I can't believe we are FINALLY here!
Today we had our repeat semen analysis and our very first actual "IVF CONSULT", hello! Can you believe that I actually made it to the point where we are sitting in the REs office, we are having a conversation about MY IVF, MY cycle, ME, MINE, OURS, it is REALLY happening this time.
In case you are new to my blog and don't know me, or the background. We began TTC in September of 2007. In September of 2008 we got pregnant with clomid and IUI and I miscarried shortly after that. Throughout this journey there have been LOTS of obstacles and hurdles. My Dad died right before we began trying, in fact his death is what propelled us into starting a family. The year after right before our first IUI, Cris' best friend died in a freak accident. He drowned. That has had an enormous effect on my husband, on myself and on our marriage. It has definitely strengthened our bond, but it has destroyed other aspects of our life. Like the ability to not worry about losing people at a young age etc. I developed panic attacks the following September and severe depression and battled that for a good 3 years. More loss, and then the subsequent diagnosis of my Mom having bladder cancer took us by surprise. Lots of things piling up on one's plate makes it virtually impossible to embark on an emotional ride such as IVF..But as of December of 2013 Mom made 1 year cancer free, I am off antidepressants for 2 years now, and off anxiety medications, currently weaning off the last of my medication and we can finally make plans of moving forward....2014 I am willing that will make 2 years that Mom is cancer free and I am going to make her a grandma in 2015.
Now for the positive news. My sweet darling husband has sperm again! 28 million per cc to be exact. We have the sperm and the eggs and now we are going to make some babies!!
Keep us in your prayers. I can't believe we are FINALLY here!
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